The holidays are difficult for everyone. Facing them as a single parent makes you a superhero. If you are struggling with everything you have to do, please remember you are not alone. This article from mom.com does a great job highlighting just how amazing you are for doing it on your own. What makes you a superhero? “....carrying a tree as big as you through the lot all by yourself, never once complaining or asking for help.” Making cookies, hot chocolate, and taking time out of a very busy schedule to watch holiday classics, among other things to “make happy holiday memories for those little people you love so much.”

So stop beating yourself up for not being perfect and enjoy the time you have with your loved ones. If the mom.com article does not make you feel better, then remember this.... the most memorable holidays are when everything goes wrong.

By Nicole

I'm sitting here listening to my daughter breath as she sleeps next to me and I'm and going through old baby pictures on my computer. As I watch her growing up, through them, I wonder where she will be when she is my age. Will she have gone through the things I am going through? Will she have it better? I realize now, more than ever, that my example will set the foundation for her life. What she will or will not accept for herself will be based on what I teach her, not through my words but through my actions.

Being a single Mom puts all the more pressure on me to make good choices on everything from the food I consume, to how I react to life. I have to show her that I am strong and that I will find the good in any situation. That no matter what is handed to me I can smile and still be happy. I want the tough times to be remembered the way that I remember my Mother through our tough times. Though she was not a Single Mother the way I am, my father worked quite a bit and was gone often. We had very little with just my father’s one income when I was growing up. I remember the times my Mother had to take a block of cheese and make it into a fun snack for my siblings and me. She never let us know that it was the only thing we had to eat. The times we picked cans up from the side of the road as a family to earn enough money to feed all of us are some of the best memories. I remember those hard times with joy now, because of the example my Mother set for me. I want my daughter to have that same legacy to pass down to her children… my grandchildren.

This whole situation sucks. I would love for my husband to step up and be the person he promised to be and who he was when we met. But I can't make those choices for him. I can choose to either cry about it or decide to enjoy this new adventure that I have taken. Hopefully when my 3 year old is my age, she will look back while looking at pictures of her children and think of what a joyfully time this was for our family. Hopefully that joy will then be passed on so that my Grandchildren can face their hardships with a smile that will make them that much lighter and easier to bear. Life is always easier with a smile on your face. :)

By: Michelle Rasmussen

A few months ago, one reader reached out to me asking for help. She said that her husband is so abusive that she lost a child a couple years ago to suicide. This loss made her open her eyes and realize that she needed to get out. So she started taking steps to do so. As she did, her husband became more controlling. He started refusing to let her hang out with friends without him. He refused to let her go grocery shopping or run any other errands. Instead he insisted on doing all the errands. At the same time, he decided it was time to get rid of their second car. He said that since she did not work, there was no reason to have two vehicles. The truth of the matter is that he did not want her to have a way to run. She began to think there was no way to win and so she stopped trying. That same month that she gave up on herself, her second child gave up on life by committing suicide.  Now she has one child left and is more determined than ever to get out and spare her last child the pain that the first two suffered. The problem is, she does not know where to start.

I have contemplated this woman’s plea for help for quite some time. It has weighed heavily on my heart. I want more than anything to help this woman but I also know that until she is ready to help herself, no one else can help her. I learned this lesson the hard way when I gave a woman a safe place to live only to have her give her abuser a key to the place shortly after. Within a week, she called to inform me that the nine foot sliding glass door was broken and she had no way to secure it. I did not have to ask what had happened, I already knew. I watch the cycle repeat itself far too often.

That is the biggest problem with domestic abuse. Abusers often isolate their victims and make them feel as though there is no hope… there is no way to break free... that no one can help them. Abusers make us believe that we need them to survive. They beg for forgiveness and swear that they will change. We want so much to believe them, to have hope, that we give them second, third, and forth chances (often many more). They tell us that it is our fault that they act the way that they do… and we believe them.

As I lay in bed contemplating life this morning, I realized that an article I wrote for my company’s motivational article in the company newsletter is the thing that might help this woman more than anything else I could say to her right now. So here it is:

Have you ever been given a task and thought to yourself, “There is no way that I can do this, I’m not skilled in that area.” I am confident that we have all said that at some point in our careers. The question is, did you tell your manager that you cannot do it, or did you find a way to do it?

I have a confession to make, I am currently working in an area where I am very weak. In school, my worst subjects were spelling and English. I really struggled to pass any writing course I have ever taken. In fact, I would list writing as my weakest area of expertise. Anyone that has had the misfortune of having to review one of my books before it went to my editor can attest to that. To top it off, I only type about 45 words per minute.

Now that you know the truth about me, you might be asking yourself, “Why in the world is Michelle writing courseware for ASCENT if it is her weakest area of expertise.”

The simplest answer to that question is that I have never let something stop me from succeeding. I am the only person that can determine what I can and cannot do. If I decide that I want to do something, I just do it. If I do not have the expertise, I make sure that I gain them. Fortunately, I have been very blessed to be surrounded by a great team of people who have helped make me a better writer. Everyone from reviewers who critique my writing style, to editors that make sure I spell things correctly and use proper grammar, to managers that keep me focused and on schedule.

Many tasks take a team to get the job done. But even with the best team in the world, self-doubt can cripple the most skilled individual. So the next time you are given a task to complete that falls outside your area of expertise, do not let it stop you from completing it. Rather than tell yourself, “There is no way I can get this done.” Ask yourself, “How am I going to get this done?”

This simple question can help you in your professional life as well as your personal life. In fact, it helped me create exactly what I was looking for, for two years. I really wanted a table behind my couch that would allow me to display my military memorabilia while also acting as a stand for my lamp. After searching high and low for two years, I came to the realization that what I wanted did not exist. So, even though I have zero carpentry skills, I decided to build the table myself. Instead of giving up on my vision, I decided to create it. Here is the result. This table serves as proof that you can do anything you put your mind to.

I know that you are probably thinking to yourself, believing in yourself at work is so much different than believing in your ability to break free from an abuser. But I promise you this... the first step you need to take in order to break the chains that bind you is believing in yourself. I’m not going to pretend that it is an easy step. In fact, it is the hardest step in the process. How can you believe in yourself when you have someone you love telling you that you can’t… telling you that you are worthless… telling you that you that it is all your fault? I know from personal experience that it is not easy. It took time for me to break free as well. But the moment you change your mind and start believing in the possibilities… that is the moment that life begins. That is the moment when others can begin to help you.

I believe in you! You just need to believe in yourself.

River Prom 2013 - Party Like a Rockstar. Can you guess who I was?

One of the hardest things to do as a single parent is to get out of the house without kids in tow. I am not talking about a quick trip to the store (even though that can also be hard). I am talking about a night out on the town or a weekend get away. This is especially true for the primary care giver. We get so wrapped up in being there for our children that we forget to do something nice for ourselves.

Let me give you an example. For the last 11 years, my friends and I have gotten together at what we call River Prom. We choose a theme, go buy/rent clothes according to the theme, hire a caterer and get together for a night of food, fun, and great company. My children have been my date every year since I became single. This year we rented a place that requires everyone to be 21 years of age or older. So my usual attitude of "my dates live with me, so why stress over finding a date" has changed slightly. In fact, this will be the first year I am actually going alone.

I have to admit that I nearly decided not to go when I learned my children could not go. I felt guilty for having the chance to go out and have fun without them. Then I went to a charity dinner and silent auction. During the auction, I bid on a hotel package that was good for three different trips to Navada. I didn't bid on the package because I wanted the trips. I bid on it to show my support for the charity I was there to support. I never thought that my very small bid would be the highest bid. Needless to say, my bid won the package and now I have three certificates for weekend getaways to places that are not kid friendly in Las Vegas, Mesquite, and Wendover. Winning this package made me realize just how often I get away without my children. (Which is only once a year and only happens when I send my girls off to Girl Scout camp.) It was this realization that changed my mind about River Prom and made me determined to go whether I have a date or not.

Our children need us to go out and enjoy ourselves. Doing so helps us to be happier people. When you are happy, your children are happy.

I am not saying that you need to go buy a bunch of weekend getaways like I did. But I do recommend that you find someone trustworthy to watch your children while you go out. If their other parent is still in their lives, take advantage of the times when they are with them. If you are like me and have your children 24/7, then find a relative, friend, or a trust worthy neighbor to watch your kids while you take a break. If you do not know anyone, get to know someone.

If you dont have the money to do much, get creative. There are so many ways to find someone to watch your children for free. I love what one woman did. Someone I know started a babysitting co-op a couple years ago when she became a single mom. I thought it was ingenious. She formed a group of single moms on Facebook that would get together for play groups every now and then. They soon agreed to watch each other's children from time to time to give each other a break. To ensure that one parent did not take advantage of the other parents in the group, they came up with a system that provided you with tokens each time you watched someone else's children. Then when you wanted to go out, you paid for someone to watch your children using the tokens you had earned.

If you can not afford to take a vacation, then take a hike or do something else that is free and will give you the break you deserve. You owe it to your children to do something that makes you happy.

I received the following plea for help from one reader.

"I have always been a stay at home mom and house wife. Then my husband left me a year ago for another woman. I have custody of our little boy but the child support I receive is not enough to pay all our expenses. I take care of our boy during the day but as soon as my ex-husband is off work, he comes to get him and I don't see him again until bedtime. I have told my ex that I need to get a day job but he refuses to change the visitation agreement so that I can get a day job and still have quality time with my son."

I have to admit that this seems to be a common theme in Utah since there are so many stay at home mothers that suddenly find themselves having to become the bread winners in their own home. I'll preface my advice in regards to this situation with a small disclaimer. I am not an attorney and can not predict how officers in a court will rule on your case.

With that said, I cannot imagine any court ruling in favor of a parent that monopolizes all of a child's time without giving the other parent (especially the custodial parent) an equal amount of quality time with their children. If you are able to find a job, write out a statement to your ex proposing a reasonable visitation schedule that you should both be able to agree to. If an agreement can not be made, most states provide a standard visitation schedule that they will default to in non-agreeable cases. You can find a copy of Utah's visitation schedules at:

http//le.utah.gov/UtahCode/section.jsp?code=30-3

Depending on your child's age, you will open Section 35 or 35.5. You may also want to take a look at Sections 32, 34, 36, & 38 just to name a few.

The best advice I can give you is, learn your rights, then stand up for your rights. If you won't fight for the best interests of your children, then who will? If the case does end up going to court, figure out a way to pay for it. Legal fees are astronomically high but time with your child is priceless.

I want to start off by thanking each of the readers that sent me email messages privately after the post on 12/18/13 that shared with me what they struggle with the most as a single parent. I promise to touch on each obstacle in time. For this first post of the year, I want to focus on playing the victim role since this seemed to be a common theme in the emails I received. 

Lets start by defining what I mean by "playing the victim role". When bad things happen to you, how do you react? Do you spend a lot of time calling all your family and friends to tell them what happened? Do you find yourself posting your whoas on Facebook or other social media sites to get simpathy from anyone reading?

It is human nature to want to share your life with others and get advice from them on what to do. However, if you continue to share the same sob story over and over, without making a plan to overcome your obstacles, then you are playing the victim role. Or, if you continue to have similar problems over and over and all you do is complain about them, then you are playing the victim role. Let me share a short story with you to help you see what I mean clearly.

A Short Story

Chapter 1

I drive down the street. There is a huge pot hole in the road. There is no way around it so I hit it. It flattens my tire. It is not my fault. It takes forever to find a way out and recover from it. I need help to fix my tire.

Chapter 2

I drive down the same street. The pot hole is still there. I pretend to not see it. I hit it again and it flattens my tire again. I can't believe I'm in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It takes a long time to get out. I need help to fix my tire.

Chapter 3

I drive down the same street. The pot hole is still there. I see it there. I hit it... it's a habit... but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately and fix my tire myself.

Chapter 4

I drive down the same street. The pot hole is still there. I see it there. I drive into the other lane to avoid it.

Chapter 5

I drive down a different street.

If you would like to be successful, start by recognizing when you play the victim role. Then decide to make a change. Decide to steer around the pot holes in your life or drive down roads without pot holes. If you do hit a pot hole, take responsibility and make corrections. Only you can make your life what you want it to be.

As a mother of a child whom I suspect was abused, I felt this article had to be shared. I hope you find it helpful in keeping the children you love safe.

http://babyandblog.com/2013/10/6-ways-to-protect-your-child-from-sexual-abuse/

I have been a single mother so long that I forget how different it is to parent with a partner compared to doing it alone. You might say that my single parent struggles have just become part of my life. So I no longer see them as struggles. Because of this, it has been nearly a full year since I have posted a blog article on this site. Yet I see that people are still finding the old articles helpful. Therefore, I am going to make it my New Year's resolution to write in here at least once per month. I am also going to start working on that goal before New Year's Day. So I start planning the articles for the year today.

To help me come up with enough topics to keep articles coming your way, I want to hear from you. What do you struggle with the most as a single parent? Please leave your comments here or email me at mrasmussen@villageoflife.net.

Aristotle once said, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” Habits are great because they enable us to be on autopilot for many tasks.  Think about when you first learned to tie your shoe.  You had to think about each and every step in the process until you perfected it.  Now you are able to tie your shoes without thinking about it or, often times, even looking at what you are doing. All the while, your subconscious mind tells your lungs to breath, your blood to pump, and your eyes to blink.  Unfortunately, habits can also be bad for us.

Years ago (I don’t even know when it started) I started setting my alarm an hour before I had to really get up because I have a bad habit of hitting the snooze button.  The only thing this has done for me is make me get less restful sleep.  So this month I am trying to change that.  I have bought a new alarm clock and placed it far enough away from my bed that I have to get out of bed to hit snooze.  Then I set my alarm early enough that, if I wake up right away, I will have plenty of time to get in a work out before getting ready for the day.  This is all part of my attempt to create good habits and replace my bad habits.

“So how do you create good habits?” you ask.  First you have to have a good idea of how habits are formed.  Habits are formed through repeated actions.  The more often that you repeat the same steps, the faster it will become a habit.  Try this…. cross your fingers the way that you normally would.  Now notice which finger is on top.  Next force yourself to cross your fingers with the opposite finger on top.  Does it feel weird? Could you force yourself to cross your fingers this new way for the rest of your life?  I think you could even though it could be very difficult.  You would have to purposely think about how to cross your fingers every time until it begins to feel natural.  Once it feels natural, it will not be long before it becomes a habit and you do it that way all the time.

That is how I plan to change my snoozing habit.  It feels odd right now. But, as soon as my body begins to get used to waking up at the same time every morning, it will become a habit and I should no longer need to rely on my alarm clock.  The secret to success is to purposely replace destructive habits with habits that will benefit you the most in the long run.  Create the habits that you want in order to create the you that you want. In the mean time, have fun with this little “Food for Thought” at the top of this article from Mac Anderson and John J. Murphy who wrote “Habits Die Hard – 10 Steps to Building Successful Habits”