This weekend I had the opportunity to make a new friend.  She is a very beautiful woman and very giving with her time.  As I was getting to know her, I was struck by a comment that she made to me.  We were talking about dating, camping, fishing, and a variety of other topics all at once and she said, “Yeah, I’m not much of a catch.” 

At first I thought she meant that she was not very good at catching fish. Then I realized that she was talking about herself.  Hearing this made me sad for her.  Here is this amazing woman and she doesn’t think she is much of a catch.  How can she not see how amazing she is?  It made me realize that there are a great number of women that feel this way about themselves.  Too often we let the harsh words of people around us touch us much too deeply and allow these words to create negative feelings about ourselves. 

That is why I am going to ask you to do an exercise this week.  I want you to look at the questions below and write down in a journal that only you will see the answers to these questions. Then we are going to take a journey together to help us change for the better how we feel about ourselves.  So go get a pad of paper and let’s get started.  Ready?

1. What do you think about yourself?

2. What do you think about your relationships?

3. Now consider what you just wrote.  Why do you think about yourself and your  relationships that way?

4. Are you surprised with what you wrote? Pleased? Saddened?

5. Is there anything that you want to change?

Action is the key to making positive changes in your life.  But before you can take action, you have to make a decision on what you want out of life.  Do you want success or do you want failure?  If you want success, then I highly suggest that you watch this short excerpt from my favorite book of all times… “The Strangest Secret” by Earl Nightingale.

Remember, your mind is like a garden, what you plant in it is up to you.  Why not plant beautiful  things in it to enjoy throughout the day? Do yourself a favor and write three positive things about yourself and your relationships.  Then read them multiple times throughout the day, especially first thing when you wake up and right before laying down to sleep.  If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts pull out your paper immediately and read the positive ones.  After doing this for two weeks, go back to your journal and answer the questions above again.  You may not see immediate results but hopefully you will begin to feel differently about yourself over time.  Because you are AMAZING!  Just ask someone who loves you.

http://play.simpletruths.com/movie/the-strangest-secret/

If you are a single parent, at some point you are going to consider getting involved with someone and possibly even consider marriage.  If that happens, then you will also have to consider what to do with your children.  I’m not saying that you would or should consider letting your ex take your children full time just because you have found someone you really care about; but let’s face it…. Getting into a relationship when you have children is so much more complicated than it was before you had children.  If you want to go out on a date, you have to find a babysitter.  If you have to hire a babysitter, that costs money, and then you need to think about how often you can afford to go out.  If you do things with your children, you run the risk of your children getting hurt if the relationship does not work out.  There are just a lot of things to think about.

When my brother started dating his wife, she already had a little girl.  He loved hanging out with her but had a very hard time dealing with her daughter.  The fact of the matter is that we all have our own way with dealing with  children and our way might not always be the same way as the person you care a lot about, as was the case with my brother.  

Usually, when you are young and meet someone you want to date then eventually marry, you do not have to think a lot about their parenting style because neither of you have children.  You are able to have children with that person and come to terms with each other’s parenting style and learn and grow as parents together.  When you walk into a relationship where children are already present, it creates some unique growing experiences.  
 
For quite a few years my brother had an on again off again relationship with the love of his life. Even after they were married they struggled with parenting as many couples do when they walk into an instant family.  I think that the turning point for them was when my brother made the choice to start acting like his wife’s daughter was also his daughter.  Then she was no longer just his wife’s responsibility but both of their responsibility.  It was a change in mindset that changed everything.  He no longer felt like if he disciplined her daughter that she would undermine his decision.  When they took the “his and hers” out of their vocabulary, they were able to finally start acting like one.  To this day they are extremely happy and still very much in love.

Thinking back to my own failed marriage, everything throughout our marriage was “his and hers”. There was not much that was ours.  I often felt like we were more roommates than husband and wife.  We lived in his house, with his furniture, his bikes were in the garage, and so on. This separation never hit me so hard as it did one night when I was preparing for an interview for a part time job that would allow me to make more money than he was making at a full time job. It bothered him a great deal that I would make more money than he was so he proceeded to get very drunk and vulgar. Rather than listen to him rant and rave, I put my daughter to bed, then went to bed myself. 
He finally came to bed many hours later still ranting and raving and woke me up doing so.  I told him I wasn’t going to put up with it so he needed to just shut up and go to sleep. Well this upset him even more so he told me, “Maybe you should just get out and take your kid with you.”  That is when I realized that I was already a single parent even though I was still married to my child’s father.

I think that in any marriage, if you label things as “his or hers”, even if it is your first marriage, you have doomed it to fail.  This is even more true if you each bring children into the mix.  Your new spouse, and your children for that matter, need to know that you stand united when it comes to discipline and consequences as well as rewards.  I do understand that it can be hard to allow your new spouse to call your children his if your ex is still a big part of their lives.  But you need to come to some agreement on a co-parenting plan that everyone can live with so that it does not destroy your relationship.

My mother’s marriage nearly ended when my step-brother moved in with us because he learned very quickly how to play two ends to the middle with my mother and step dad.  If my mother told him he could not do something, he would immediately go to my dad and ask him instead.  This is natural for children to do.  What is not natural, or good for the relationship, is for the other parent to go against the first adult’s decision and make them feel undermined. Even though my dad did not realize he was doing it, it angered my mother beyond belief.   

We laugh at sitcoms that show the dad deferring back to the mom on permission to do something when they ask, What did your mom say?”  But parents that do this send a clear message that they can not play their parents against each other.  That is why communication and unification is so important when it comes to parenting. You owe it to yourself and your significant other to communicate on every level.  Doing so will save your relationship with your significant other and make better children in the process.

Even with the best communication between you and your spouse, you are going to run into problems and you are going to get frustrated.  The trick is to be fiercely loyal to each other because there will come a day when your children are on their own and it will be just you and your spouse left at home.  That is if you are strong enough to stand united.