Teach them to win through their loss.

It has been six and a half years since I left my husband.  When I left, my youngest daughter was only four months old.  So I never thought that I would have to talk to my youngest daughter about what happened in my marriage.  I thought that since all she has ever known is two separate homes that she would be oblivious to the pains of divorce that many kids feel who knew what it was like to have both parents in one home.  Unfortunately I was wrong.  No matter how old or young children are when you become separated, they are affected.  The affects may show up right away or they may creep up years later when you least expect it.  That is why I am so thankful for the many books about divorce that have been written to help children deal with the feelings they are experiencing.  Right now, I am reading “Don’t Make Me Smile” by Barbara Park with my youngest because she has started asking why I got divorced rather than stay married like I am supposed to… “like they teach at church.” 

That is such a hard question to answer when you really can not share the specifics of what happened.  So rather than focus our discussions on what happened to make me pack up and leave, I focus our discussions on trying to understand what she is feeling.  She doesn’t really want to listen to me bad talk her father.  She loves her father.  The most wonderful thing about children is their unconditional love.  I don’t want to take that away from her.  So I ask her questions about what she thinks a family should look like.  She of course tells me about the families they talk about in church where the mom and dad live in the same home and the mother stays home to care for the children and the father goes out into the workforce so he can provide everything the family wants and needs.  Then I ask her about her friends’ families and how many of them are like the ideal families we talk about in church.  I am trying to help her understand that there is always an ideal and then there is reality.  I want her to know that it is good to shoot for the ideal but that it is ok if we get side tracked a little by reality.

 It is important to teach kids that not everything in life turns out the way we planned but that doesn’t mean that we stop planning.  Planning sets the direction of our life.  Being flexible when our plans do not work out sets our strength in life.  I like what Dr. Charles Fay said in this week’s Love and Logic news letter. “Shielding them from all of life's hardships sends the message that they aren't strong enough to cope with their losses. Loving them through their sadness allows them to win every time they lose.”

I hope you enjoyed reading this week.  Until next time, God bless!