Each time I give my children exactly what they want I question myself. I wonder if giving them too much of the things they ask for will ruin them in the long run. I even question some of the things I give them that they don't ask for. In fact, I question these things the most.

I think it is a natural tendency for single parents to give more material gifts to our children. It is almost like we rationalize that it is ok to give them gifts because it will make up for the time we have less of to spend with them. Let's face it, a single parent gets to do the work of two adults in the house (fix the sink, mow the yard, do the cooking, dishes, laundry, ect.) That means that we have either less time to spend with our children or we get less sleep because we stay up late after the kids have gone to bed to finish the dishes or laundry or whatever other household chore our spouse used to take care of. Of course, we can choose to just not get everything done but then we end up lowering our standard of living. So what is the answere?

I admit that I am guilty of all of the above. I have at times just let the house go and become a disaster area in order to give my children what they really need, my time. I have also bought them more toys than they need at an attempt to keep them from being board while I did chores. One thing that has become very clear to me is that it is not about balance. It is about catching each ball before it hits the ground.

Sometimes I feel like the plate spinner at a circus. I run so fast between plates trying to keep them spinning that I don't notice the two most important plates (my girls) are close to falling. So rather than try to do it all myself, I have learned how to ask friends and family for help. Not that I ever asked them to clean my house. I just learned to ask them to take my girls while I took care of the family chores.

Now that my children are old enough, I have started making them responsible for certain chores. Yet if they don't get their chores done I have learned the best response is not to get mad but simply say, "That's a bummer you didn't get the dishes done. That just means we'll have less time together at (the fun activity) we had planned because now I have to take extra time to do your share of the family chores.". This is a tactic I learned from Love & Logic. I never really knew how powerful it was until one night we had planned on playing games the evening before I had to go on a business trip. We were just sitting down to play when our dog jumped up on the couch and peed. (I swear kids & animals always act out when they know your leaving) My 9 year old immediately started crying. I tried consoling her by letting her know we could clean it up with our carpet shampooer until she told me why she was really crying. You see, she didn't care that the house might stink like pee or that we couldn't sit on the wet couch, she just knew that it meant I would be spending less time playing with them in order to clean it up.

So if you are doing all the chores because you don't want your children to have to worry about it... or it is too much of a fight and you would rather spend your time with your children just having fun... I want you to think long and hard about what your children need more. Time with their friends...TV... iPod...... Or time with you?

The fastest way to get them moving and willing to help is ask them what fun activity they want to do today. Give them some of their favorite choices. Then show them the list of chores you usually take care of yourself and let them know you will be ready to go just as soon as your list is completely done. Then get to work without asking them to do anything. The first time they ask you if you can go yet just say, "I wish but my chores aren't done yet. I bet if you help me get this part of the list done we could go sooner.". You'll be surprised just how quickly they are able to get stuff done even at a young age. Of course make sure you create your list by grouping age appropriate task together. Then you can rip the list and hand off the right chores to each child. They will feel proud for being able to help... you'll feel appreciated... and everyone will feel happy when you get to leave sooner for your fun activity as a family.

Mother's Day for single parents seems to take on a different meaning. I remember my first Mother's Day as a single parent was quite a disappointment. Since my children were only 1 and 3, they didn't know to do anything to celebrate or thank me for being their mother. So it ended up just being like any other day with little recognition for all that I do for them. But times have changed and we have all grown up a lot, especially me.

I finally realize that Mother's Day is not about the presents they give me but their presence on this earth. Without my children, my life would be empty. They bring me so much joy, laughter, and even some trials but I wouldn't want it any other way. They give me purpose and a reason to keep living life to its fullest.

Six years ago I would have been disappointed with toast and yogurt for breakfast in bed on Mother's Day. But today when my 7 year old brought me toast and yogurt in bed, the joy and pride I felt inside were over-whelming. When they each gave me the hand-made flowers they put so much heart into, it brought tears to my eyes.

Yes, being a single parent on Mother's Day takes on a different meaning. You don't have a spouse there to tell you you're doing a great job as a parent but you do have your children there showing you how you are doing. There is no mistaking that you are doing good if their making you breakfast in bed or giving you a special gift they picked out or made theselves brings a bigger smile to their face than it does to yours.

I hope your Mother's Day was just as special as mine was. Happy Mother's Day!

In the past week I have had the opportunity to sit with two friends of mine who have recently become single parents.  Each of them asked me the same question,“Michelle should I stay where I am or should I move closer to
family?”  Of course, my answer to them was that they should do what they feel is best for them and their children.  As I look back on those conversations, I think what they were really trying to ask was, “Do you think I can make it on my own without family close by to help me with my children?”  Since both of my friends are asking the same question, I would have to guess that many of you are asking yourselves the same thing.  That is why I thought I would share with you a bit more of how I have gotten where I am today.

When I became a single parent I was working part-time making quite a bit less than I am making now (over half my current salary).  Can you guess that times were tough?  I had a four month old and a three year old that I had to do everything in my power to keep safe.  That meant fighting with everything I had (and a lot that I did not) to pay attorney fees, custody evaluators, councilors, and professional supervisors during my children’s visits with their father.  All this on top of regular expenses that I was used to sharing with my husband like work related childcare, groceries, housing, utilities, etc.  The first two years I went without much help at all from my ex monetarily.  In fact, it took over two years to finally get a child support order in place so that I could have ORS garnish his wages.

Luckily for me, I was able to go to work full time for my current employer about six months after leaving my husband but the legal fees just kept getting worse and I dug myself pretty far into debt.  So between the money troubles, legal drama associate with a divorce, emotional trauma of losing half the people you love (my ex’s family disowned me for leaving), and now having to do all the parenting on my own, there were days that I was not sure if I would be able to make it on my own.  This is perfectly normal.  Big changes in life almost always leave you wondering.  It is definitely helpful to have family close to help as needed but I am living proof that it is not necessary since my mother was 2 and a half hours away the first three years of my becoming single.  Many days I made through out of sheer will but I would have to say that my saving grace was my neighbors.  I strongly believe that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at any moment in time.  I know that I owe my neighbors a HUGE thanks for keeping me going and for keeping me sane. 

The neighborhood that I moved into was mostly townhomes so my neighbors were in close proximity to me.  This helped bring us together since we could not walk out the front door without running into someone.  I had one neighbor that was quick to bring over cookies to welcome us to the neighborhood and her daughter and my oldest daughter quickly became best friends.  She was sweet enough to notice when I needed a break and invited my daughter over to play often.  Then directly across from me was another single mother with children very close in age to my children so we became friends quickly through our children. She too could tell when I needed a break and would gladly sit outside and watch the kids play as I got a few things done inside the house.  Another friend, who helped me start Village of Life, was a single mother who had her daughter in the same after school program that I had my children in so she and I took turns picking up the kids if we knew the other parent was going to be late.  We also took turns cooking dinner to give each other a chance to relax.  Through all of this, each of my neighbors gave me the adult interaction that a parent absolutely needs to stay sane.  I was able to talk to them about parenting challenges that I was going through and work/life balance issues that I had to overcome.

The question remains, do you need to be close to family to be able to make it on your own?  I don’t think so.  But I do strongly recommend that you get to know your neighbors better or keep some good friends close that you can trust to help you.  This takes humbling yourself enough to ask for help (I still struggle with this one) as well as being caring enough to be able to help someone else.

We were all sent to this earth to help each other.  Whether you are single or married, you were not meant to do this alone.  “It takes a village to raise a child.” Be bold and band together with other parents in order to make life easier on yourself, your children, and someone else who is walking the same path you are.  If you need help finding another single parent to work with, go to the Contact Us page within this site and type in your information.  We only collect the most basic information here to protect your identity and privacy.  As I receive information from other single parents, I can start to match up parents to help you build that bond to build a better life for you and your children.

Until then, keep your chin up and remember the words to this song every time you start to question if you can make it or not.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXL65Nd_O1o  Your angles are waiting for you to ask for help so don’t be shy.