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If You Believe That You Can Do It, Then You Can

4/26/2014

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By: Michelle Rasmussen

A few months ago, one reader reached out to me asking for help. She said that her husband is so abusive that she lost a child a couple years ago to suicide. This loss made her open her eyes and realize that she needed to get out. So she started taking steps to do so. As she did, her husband became more controlling. He started refusing to let her hang out with friends without him. He refused to let her go grocery shopping or run any other errands. Instead he insisted on doing all the errands. At the same time, he decided it was time to get rid of their second car. He said that since she did not work, there was no reason to have two vehicles. The truth of the matter is that he did not want her to have a way to run. She began to think there was no way to win and so she stopped trying. That same month that she gave up on herself, her second child gave up on life by committing suicide.  Now she has one child left and is more determined than ever to get out and spare her last child the pain that the first two suffered. The problem is, she does not know where to start.

I have contemplated this woman’s plea for help for quite some time. It has weighed heavily on my heart. I want more than anything to help this woman but I also know that until she is ready to help herself, no one else can help her. I learned this lesson the hard way when I gave a woman a safe place to live only to have her give her abuser a key to the place shortly after. Within a week, she called to inform me that the nine foot sliding glass door was broken and she had no way to secure it. I did not have to ask what had happened, I already knew. I watch the cycle repeat itself far too often.

That is the biggest problem with domestic abuse. Abusers often isolate their victims and make them feel as though there is no hope… there is no way to break free... that no one can help them. Abusers make us believe that we need them to survive. They beg for forgiveness and swear that they will change. We want so much to believe them, to have hope, that we give them second, third, and forth chances (often many more). They tell us that it is our fault that they act the way that they do… and we believe them.

As I lay in bed contemplating life this morning, I realized that an article I wrote for my company’s motivational article in the company newsletter is the thing that might help this woman more than anything else I could say to her right now. So here it is:
Have you ever been given a task and thought to yourself, “There is no way that I can do this, I’m not skilled in that area.” I am confident that we have all said that at some point in our careers. The question is, did you tell your manager that you cannot do it, or did you find a way to do it?

I have a confession to make, I am currently working in an area where I am very weak. In school, my worst subjects were spelling and English. I really struggled to pass any writing course I have ever taken. In fact, I would list writing as my weakest area of expertise. Anyone that has had the misfortune of having to review one of my books before it went to my editor can attest to that. To top it off, I only type about 45 words per minute.

Now that you know the truth about me, you might be asking yourself, “Why in the world is Michelle writing courseware for ASCENT if it is her weakest area of expertise.”

The simplest answer to that question is that I have never let something stop me from succeeding. I am the only person that can determine what I can and cannot do. If I decide that I want to do something, I just do it. If I do not have the expertise, I make sure that I gain them. Fortunately, I have been very blessed to be surrounded by a great team of people who have helped make me a better writer. Everyone from reviewers who critique my writing style, to editors that make sure I spell things correctly and use proper grammar, to managers that keep me focused and on schedule.

Many tasks take a team to get the job done. But even with the best team in the world, self-doubt can cripple the most skilled individual. So the next time you are given a task to complete that falls outside your area of expertise, do not let it stop you from completing it. Rather than tell yourself, “There is no way I can get this done.” Ask yourself, “How am I going to get this done?”

This simple question can help you in your professional life as well as your personal life. In fact, it helped me create exactly what I was looking for, for two years. I really wanted a table behind my couch that would allow me to display my military memorabilia while also acting as a stand for my lamp. After searching high and low for two years, I came to the realization that what I wanted did not exist. So, even though I have zero carpentry skills, I decided to build the table myself. Instead of giving up on my vision, I decided to create it. Here is the result. This table serves as proof that you can do anything you put your mind to.

I know that you are probably thinking to yourself, believing in yourself at work is so much different than believing in your ability to break free from an abuser. But I promise you this... the first step you need to take in order to break the chains that bind you is believing in yourself. I’m not going to pretend that it is an easy step. In fact, it is the hardest step in the process. How can you believe in yourself when you have someone you love telling you that you can’t… telling you that you are worthless… telling you that you that it is all your fault? I know from personal experience that it is not easy. It took time for me to break free as well. But the moment you change your mind and start believing in the possibilities… that is the moment that life begins. That is the moment when others can begin to help you.

I believe in you! You just need to believe in yourself.
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Your Children Are Watching

1/2/2013

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By Michelle Rasmussen

After entering a building you hold the door open for the next person about to come through just after you. Your children are watching.  A child at the table next to you in a restaurant drops their toy over the back of your seat into your booth and you hand it back to them with a smile. Your children are watching. You are out shoveling the snow off your driveway and sidewalk and decide to help your neighbor by also taking care of their walks.  Your children are watching.  You watch a mother try to carry her groceries across a busy parking lot while holding the hand of an out of control toddler who causes her to drop everything in her arms and it scatters all over the parking lot.  Rather than walk by, without a word you stop to help her gather the scatter items, put them back in the bags, and into her arms.  Your children are watching.


I’m sure that we all recognize that setting examples of showing empathy towards others teaches our children to understand others, appreciate differences, and be caring as they notice others in need.  Teaching our children empathy helps them learn to stand in other people’s shoes.  But did you know that the way we allow others to treat us determines how our children will allow others to treat them? 
 
Think about this, when a young child watches their parent get hurt repeatedly by someone they love, it teaches the child that a person does not love you unless they hurt you. When a person cheats on their significant other and their children are aware of the infidelity, the children often grow up to cheat on their significant other or they continually end up with people that cheat on them.  Our children watch our every move. Even when we think they are unaware of what is really going on, they are watching.  They pick up on so much more than we give them credit for. So when they hear you tell a lie about where you have been or they watch you allow someone to lie to you, you are teaching them that lying is ok.  As they become teenagers, you might find them lying to you.  How you respond to those lies will set the stage and often determine if or how long the lies will continue.

I want to challenge you to make a New Year’s resolution right now to become the type of person you want your children to be. Because they are watching and one day, they will inevitably make the same mistakes you are making right now unless you do something about it.  As you resolve to do better, keep in mind that it will not be something
you can change overnight. The goal should be to become 1% better each day, not 100% better in one day.  From time to time you are going to stumble and you are going to fall.  Each time you do, pick yourself up and try again.  Don’t feel like you need to hide your failures from your children, let them learn from them just like you are.  Hopefully then they will not have to go through the same experiences to learn the same lessons.  

An old Japanese proverb says, “Fall seven times, stand up eight.” Teach this to your children by doing it yourself. Your children are watching.
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Change your Mind

10/7/2012

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This weekend I had the opportunity to make a new friend.  She is a very beautiful woman and very giving with her time.  As I was getting to know her, I was struck by a comment that she made to me.  We were talking about dating, camping, fishing, and a variety of other topics all at once and she said, “Yeah, I’m not much of a catch.” 

At first I thought she meant that she was not very good at catching fish. Then I realized that she was talking about herself.  Hearing this made me sad for her.  Here is this amazing woman and she doesn’t think she is much of a catch.  How can she not see how amazing she is?  It made me realize that there are a great number of women that feel this way about themselves.  Too often we let the harsh words of people around us touch us much too deeply and allow these words to create negative feelings about ourselves. 

That is why I am going to ask you to do an exercise this week.  I want you to look at the questions below and write down in a journal that only you will see the answers to these questions. Then we are going to take a journey together to help us change for the better how we feel about ourselves.  So go get a pad of paper and let’s get started.  Ready?

1. What do you think about yourself?

2. What do you think about your relationships?

3. Now consider what you just wrote.  Why do you think about yourself and your  relationships that way?

4. Are you surprised with what you wrote? Pleased? Saddened?

5. Is there anything that you want to change?

Action is the key to making positive changes in your life.  But before you can take action, you have to make a decision on what you want out of life.  Do you want success or do you want failure?  If you want success, then I highly suggest that you watch this short excerpt from my favorite book of all times… “The Strangest Secret” by Earl Nightingale.

Remember, your mind is like a garden, what you plant in it is up to you.  Why not plant beautiful  things in it to enjoy throughout the day? Do yourself a favor and write three positive things about yourself and your relationships.  Then read them multiple times throughout the day, especially first thing when you wake up and right before laying down to sleep.  If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts pull out your paper immediately and read the positive ones.  After doing this for two weeks, go back to your journal and answer the questions above again.  You may not see immediate results but hopefully you will begin to feel differently about yourself over time.  Because you are AMAZING!  Just ask someone who loves you.

http://play.simpletruths.com/movie/the-strangest-secret/
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People Helping People is Expanding to Utah County

9/4/2012

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Picture
 Three years ago, my children and I moved to Utah County from Salt Lake County.  Doing so made it more difficult for me to mentor single mothers at People Helping People in Salt Lake.  Recently I found out that they are expanding into Utah County which will make it much easier for me to work with them again.  It is very exciting because I know all the good they have done in Salt Lake County and now I will be able to be a part of something great again.

You may be asking the question, “What makes them so great?”  Before I answer that question, let me tell you a bit about why they exist.  People Helping People is dedicated to reducing the number of children living in poverty by teaching low-income women, primarily single mothers, how to earn a living wage.  So what is a living wage?  A living wage is calculated off of the self-sufficiency standard which is calculated according to where you live and takes into account how many people are living in your home, housing costs, food, taxes, and other essential living expenses.  The self-sufficiency standard for Utah can be found here: http://www.selfsufficiencystandard.org/docs/Utah%202001.pdf. 
What it says is that, assuming you have an average size family with three children, and you are a single parent, you would need to earn $46,000 per year in order to sustain your little family without the help of government programs, church, or family assistance.

Unfortunately, there are over 6,000 single moms in Utah County and 75% of them and their children live below the self-sufficiency standard.  Half of this group (38%) live below the poverty line.  That is why I am so excited that People Helping People is expanding into Utah County.  PHP’s Employment Program offers a unique, long term, one-on-one approach that teaches women how to get a good job, and seek and receive pay raises and promotions. In other words, they teach these women how to play the game of work.  

Utah is well known for its stay at home wife and mother population.  It is also getting better known for it’s rising divorce rates.  So it just makes sense to teach women how to earn a good living and be self-sufficient.  If you or someone you know is a single mother and could benefit from learning what People Helping People has to offer, please join us on October 3rd or 17th for a program overview.  After which, workshops will be held each Wednesday starting in October at Utah Valley University (UVU) at 723 S. 1200 W. in Orem.  Other dates are listed in the image below.  To quote Kayleen Simmons, “If you have to work, you may as well make it pay.”  Join us to learn how.

Utah County PHP Schedule
For more informaiton about People Helping People or to see schedules for Salt Lake and Weber Counties, go to: http://www.phputah.org/ or call Marva Sadler at 1.855.303.5300 or email her at marva@phputah.org
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Traveling with Children

8/24/2012

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A couple weeks ago I traveled to Chicago and took my children with me. It was a great trip! We had so much fun making some great memories. But traveling with children has not always been fun for me. Let's face it, traveling with children can be hard. I remember traveling with my ex when we just had one child and I would stress out so bad that my hair would fall out in what seemed like handfuls.

Before we started having children, he often complained about children in public, and especially about children on planes. It was like nails on a chalkboard listening to him. So when we had our own, the thought of traveling with him drove me nuts. The last thing I wanted was for our daughter to get sick or cry on the plane and give him something to complain about. I really should have been more worried about my daughter's comfort for her sake rather than his.  

Then when I became single the thought of traveling and doing everything myself was overwhelming.   That is when I decided to always take someone with me when I travel. But let's face it… that is not always possible. The people around us are not always able to drop what they are doing to go play with us. So I had to learn how to do it all myself and I have learned some tricks along the way to take the stress out of traveling with children. Here they are: 

1.  Make a list of what needs to be packed in each person's bag.  Start this list about a week before so that as you go through the week you can add things you forgot. Better yet, create the list on your computer to use over and over again. 

Split the list into two sections. On one side of the  sheet, put items that you can pack at any time. (I typically pull these items  aside into a pile as I pull them out of the dryer as I am doing laundry. On the  other side of the list I put items that get packed at the last minute. Things  like toothbrushes, medicine, and favorite toys.

Once your children are old  enough to read the list, they can start packing for themselves and all you have  to do is go through the check list with them when they are done to be sure you  approve of the clothing they have chosen. (My youngest loves to pack nice  clothes for camping and camping clothes when she needs dress up  outfits) 

2. Even at a young age, encourage your children to pack their own  backpack of things to do while traveling. This could include snacks,  dolls/stuffed animals, small cars/trucks, coloring or reading books, or small  electronics. Just make sure that they chose quiet toys to help you and the  people around you keep your sanity while in route. Last but not least, teach  them to carry the pack themselves.  

3. Leave early and give yourself plenty of time for potty breaks.  How quickly we forget that their bladders are much smaller than ours. If you  feel rushed you will be tempted to tell them to hold it which can lead to  accidents and cost you more time because now you have to clean everything up.  By the way, if your little ones are still young enough that they have accidents, make sure you pack their bag at the top or put a change of clothing in their backpack for easy access.

4. If you are going on vacation and you can avoid  agendas or schedules, I highly recommend it. As a parent we spend so much time  rushing from one thing to another (soccer, piano, dance, gymnastics, martial  arts, school, work... you get the idea). Vacation should be a break. A time to  do whatever makes you happy... Not stress you out.  So plan some activities but don't set a time to do them or a time limit.  If you do have to schedule things, make sure the schedule is flexible so that if you are having a lot of fun you can enjoy what you are doing just a little bit longer.

When my girls and I leave the house for a trip, they know that if they ask me  what time it is the answer will be "vacation time".   

5. If you are planning on going somewhere you  have never been before I highly recommend you search the internet for deals on  attractions.  Citypass.com has  some GREAT deals on select cities.   We took advantage of it while in Chicago and basically for the price of  admission to two attractions, we had the option of going to 5 different  attractions.  So our goal was to  hit at least two of the attractions just to justify the cost of the books.  Luckily, we  were able to hit 4 of the 5 attractions available to us.   Not too bad for a three day trip. 

As you are searching the internet for things to keep you entertained, don’t forget to  look at the times everything is open.   This is a mistake I almost made in Chicago.   After buying the city passes, we found that almost everything on the pass  closed between 4:30 and 6:00 pm.   This limited what we could reasonably get to but also opened up the door  to see other sights in the evening that we were not planning on like Navy Peer and the fun water  taxi ride that we took to get from one attraction to  another. 

6. Look for hotels that cater to children.  Many hotels have deals where kids stay  and play or stay and eat free with a paying adult.  This is true of Snowbird here in Utah.  That is why the last two summers we have taken a mini  vacation (one night) up the canyon to enjoy Oktoberfest at Snowbird where we enjoy free  rides on the tram, a great meal at one of the resort restaurants, and all day  activity passes for all the fun things they have going on.   It is a great way to save money and create lasting  memories. 

I want to hear from you. How do you create great memories while  keeping your sanity when traveling with  children?
Snowbird Ropes Course
Snowbird, UT - Ropes Course
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Using Praise Properly

4/9/2011

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Last week I wrote about PRIDE skills.  The first of these skills is Praise.  After I wrote the article, I stumbled upon an article about praise and its effects on girls.  I have taken the liberty of re-posting it below because I found it so interesting.  I find this article to be very true, at least for me and my two girls.  I have such a tendency to give up on certain things if I feel the least bit of competition involved.  This is both true in my job and in my relationships.  After reading this article, I realize that it has everything to do with self-doubt.  Far too often I find myself doubting whether I am good enough or smart enough to have the relationships or success that I want and deserve.  So I end up sabotaging my own success.

Now that I have read this article, I vow to try to change that self-doubt within myself as well as do everything that I can to make sure my children do not develop the same doubt.  I think the key is to provide labeled praise that reinforces how hard they work to accomplish something rather than just tell them “Good Job!” or “Smart Girl!”  I know that I will have to make a conscious effort to remind them how much work they put into their homework in order to get good grades or how much practice it took to remember their gymnastics or Tae Kwan Do moves for their tournaments.  I am not saying that the change will be easy…. But it will definitely be worth it.

I hope you enjoy the article below as much as I did and look forward to your comments.

March 1_____________________________________________________________________

Successful women know only too well that in any male-dominated profession, we often find ourselves at a distinct disadvantage. We are routinely underestimated, underutilized and even underpaid. Studies show that women need to perform at extraordinarily high levels, just to appear moderately competent compared to our male coworkers.

But in my experience, smart and talented women rarely realize that one of the toughest hurdles they'll have to overcome to be successful lies within. Compared with our male colleagues, we judge our own abilities not only more harshly but fundamentally differently. Understanding why we do it is the first step to righting a terrible wrong. And to do that, we need to take a step back in time.

Chances are good that if you are a successful professional today, you were a pretty bright fifth grade girl. My graduate advisor, psychologist Carol Dweck (author of "Mindset") conducted a series of studies in the 1980s, looking at how Bright Girls and boys in the fifth grade handled new, difficult and confusing material.

She found that Bright Girls, when given something to learn that was particularly foreign or complex, were quick to give up; the higher the girls' IQ, the more likely they were to throw in the towel. In fact, the straight-A girls showed the most helpless responses. Bright boys, on the other hand, saw the difficult material as a challenge, and found it energizing. They were more likely to redouble their efforts rather than give up.

Why does this happen? What makes smart girls more vulnerable and less confident when they should be the most confident kids in the room? At the 5th grade level, girls routinely outperform boys in every subject, including math and science. So there were no differences between these boys and girls in ability, nor in past history of success. The only difference was how bright boys and girls interpreted difficulty -- what it meant to them when material seemed hard to learn. Bright Girls were much quicker to doubt their ability, to lose confidence and to become less effective learners as a result.

Researchers have uncovered the reason for this difference in how difficulty is interpreted, and it is simply this: More often than not, Bright Girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice.

How do girls and boys develop these different views? Most likely, it has to do with the kinds of feedback we get from parents and teachers as young children. Girls, who develop self-control earlier and are better able to follow instructions, are often praised for their "goodness." When we do well in school, we are told that we are "so smart," "so clever, " or "such a good student." This kind of praise implies that traits like smartness, cleverness and goodness are qualities you either have or you don't.

Boys, on the other hand, are a handful. Just trying to get boys to sit still and pay attention is a real challenge for any parent or teacher. As a result, boys are given a lot more feedback that emphasizes effort (e.g., "If you would just pay attention you could learn this," "If you would just try a little harder you could get it right.") The net result: When learning something new is truly difficult, girls take it as sign that they aren't "good" and "smart," and boys take it as a sign to pay attention and try harder.

We continue to carry these beliefs, often unconsciously, around with us throughout our lives. And because Bright Girls are particularly likely to see their abilities as innate and unchangeable, they grow up to be women who are far too hard on themselves -- women who will prematurely conclude that they don't have what it takes to succeed in a particular arena, and give up way too soon.

Even if every external disadvantage to a woman's rising to the top of an organization is removed -- every inequality of opportunity, every chauvinistic stereotype, all the challenges we face balancing work and family -- we would still have to deal with the fact that through our mistaken beliefs about our abilities, we may be our own worst enemy.

How often have you found yourself avoiding challenges and playing it safe, sticking to goals you knew would be easy for you to reach? Are there things you decided long ago that you could never be good at? Skills you believed you would never possess? If the list is a long one, you were probably one of the Bright Girls -- and your belief that you are "stuck" being exactly as you are has done more to determine the course of your life than you probably ever imagined. This would be fine, if your abilities were innate and unchangeable. Only they're not.

No matter the ability -- whether it's intelligence, creativity, self-control, charm or athleticism -- studies show them to be profoundly malleable. When it comes to mastering any skill, your experience, effort and persistence matter a lot. So if you were a Bright Girl, it's time to toss out your (mistaken) belief about how ability works, embrace the fact that you can always improve and reclaim the confidence to tackle any challenge that you lost so long ago.

About the author:
Heidi Grant Halvorson, PhD, is a motivational psychologist and researcher. She writes about the scientifically-tested strategies we can use to be more effective reaching our goals at work and in our personal lives. Her new book is "Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals" (Hudson Street Press). She is also the co-editor of the academic handbook, "The Psychology of Goals," a regular contributor to the BBC World Service's "Business Daily," an expert blogger for Fast Company and Psychology Today, and a guest blogger for Harvard Business Review. Her website is www.heidigranthalvorson.com.

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How to Break Free

2/19/2011

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Last week I wrote about how I became a single parent and what keeps me going strong each day.  This week I want to focus on the steps I took to break free and the mistakes I made along the way so that you do not have to make the same mistakes.

Step number one is gathering the strength you need to walk out.  My strength came from believing that leaving would make my life and my children’s lives better.  Then I convinced myself that I could make it on my own.  This is probably the hardest step because we have been programed for so long to believe that we cannot make it… that we need the person that is beating us down each day to survive.  In actuality, that breaking you down is giving you strength and endurance like no other.  I know that statement sounds ridiculous so let me put in a side story to help you understand what I mean.

Almost right out of high school, I joined the Air Force.  Friends and family laughed and ridiculed me because they did not think that I could make it through basic training.  To be honest, I was not sure I could either.  I was a skinny, knobby kneed little girl that was scared of her own shadow.  I would burst into tears if someone even looked at me cross.  I knew that it would not be easy but I was willing to try so that I could have the means to pay for college.  Once I got to basic training, I found that I flourished.  You see…. the military beats you down during basic training so that they can turn around and build you up in the image that they need you to be.  They need you to have strength and endurance so that if you should go to war, you will have the strength needed to come home in one piece.  I believe that the Lord gives you trials because he knows you have the strength inside to overcome them, he just needs you to realize it as well.  These trials build you up and prepare you for what is ahead.  The longer you have been in an abusive relationship, the stronger you will be when you finally break free.  I am not saying that it is easy… but the best things in life never are.

Even after leaving, I had to continually convince myself that I can do it on my own.  Each morning for three years, I looked in the mirror and told myself that I am strong enough, smart enough and worth enough before I started believing it.  It helped that I had a lot of friends and family rooting for me all along the way. 

*Note:  If you are not the one in a violent relationship but have someone you love who is, the best help you can give them is words of encouragement to keep moving forward.  I have heard that we need 7-10 positive words to outweigh the negative ones.  As a friend or loved one, you have your work cut out for you.

Before you leave, make sure that you are amply prepared to do so.  The first mistake that I made was not gathering (or presenting) proof that would help me protect my children easier.  Let me elaborate a bit… The last year I was with my husband, I kept a journal about the problems we had in our marriage.  I started the journal as a way of releasing some of the things I was keeping completely inside.  Outside of my journal, I only told one person about the things going on in my home.  My own family did not have a clue what my daughter had accused my husband of or the drugs I knew that he was on.  I was too ashamed to tell anyone but my best friend about what my daughter had said.  When the Department of Child and Family Services (DCFS) worker asked me if I had a journal or if I had told anyone else what was going on, I did not have the courage to tell her yes because she asked me in front of my husband.  I was much more concerned about how angry he would get and the rath that would come after she left than proving I was telling the truth.  Instead I trusted that the DCFS worker would write in her report that he admitted to doing drugs and that he admitted my daughter had accused him of this unthinkable act right in front of him. The lesson learned here is that you have to gather enough evidence and present it to the authorities so that they can do their job.  Some of that evidence might include keeping a journal of violent incidences, medical records, and a list of witnesses who may be able to speak on your behalf.  If you have experienced physical abuse, pictures of your cuts and bruises are vital.  Do not hesitate to go to the emergency room right after being attacked.  It is going to be your word against theirs’ if you do not gather the proper evidence.

Other things that are vital are important documents like birth certificates, driver’s license, pass ports, and important phone numbers.  Gather them and put them in a safe place where you can grab them quickly if you should have to leave before you plan to.

A few  of the things that I did right were: 1) find a place to live and leave without confronting my husband, 2) apply for a restraining order on my children’s behalf, 3) never give up doing everything that I can  to protect them, 4) learn to seek the help of others.

1)      I was extremely fortunate to find a great place in a safe neighborhood that I could afford.  Before actually moving, I spent two weeks cleaning and arranging clothes and household items that I would need so that I could pack them quickly.  I also arranged to have movers pack and move everything we could in one day while my husband was at work.  I knew all too well that anything I left would be ruined as soon as he noticed we were gone so I told the movers to take everything that looked like it belonged to me or my children.  Then I returned anything that was actually his a few months after leaving when I felt safe enough to hand it to him.

2)      The day before I moved out, I spent the day at the courthouse getting a restraining order to protect my children.  With the restraining order, I was able to have police stand guard while I packed everything my children and I would need to get by in our new home.  This gave me the sense of security that I needed so that I could pack more efficiently. (If you are constantly in a state of fight or flight, your mind does not think as clearly and you tend to miss a lot of things.)

3)      I never gave up.  For the last five years, I have fought to keep my children safe.  I have spent a lot of time and money in and out of court trying to prove that my children need to visit their father under the protection of a professional supervisor.  I have succeeded multiple times in getting supervised visitation ordered only to have it revoked a few months to a year later because he refused to visit with my girls with a supervisor present.  The courts seem to believe that a bad father is better for my children than no father at all.  In 2008, when I succeeded in getting supervised visitations ordered, I was dating someone whom I cared about a great deal.  When I no longer had full weekends without my children, he realized that staying with me would mean raising someone else’s children.  He was not ready for that.  It would have been easy for me to give in and let my ex-husband have unsupervised visitation so that I could be with this man but I knew that my children needed supervised visitation more than I needed a man in my life.  I also realized that the only man for me is one that is willing and able to help me raise my children in a healthy and loving home.

4)      Before even leaving, I had my daughter in counseling.  As part of that, I had the opportunity to go through Parent Child Interaction Training (PCIT).  This by far was the best thing that could have happened for my children and me.  PCIT gave me parenting skills that I would not have thought to gain otherwise.  It also brought me and my children much closer than would have been possible without it.

I am just now realizing how long this post is getting so I will cut it short.  There are a number of other steps you will want to consider taking according to Dr. Phil. A full list of them is below.

·         If you are in immediate danger, call the police.
·         Develop an escape plan which does not include confronting your abuser.
·         Contact your local battered women’s shelter, and know about laws and resources available to you before a  crisis. 
·         Keep evidence of physical abuse.
·         Keep a journal of all violent incidences.
·         Take important phone numbers.
·         Gather important documents — medical records, birth certificates, driver's license.
·         If injured, go to the doctor, report what happened and document the visit.
·         Plan with your children, and identify a safe place for them to go for help.
·         Try to set money aside.
·         Pack an extra set of clothing for yourself and your children.
·         Request police standby or an escort to the shelter.
If you need immediate assistance do not hesitate to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 (800) 799-SAFE (7233).

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain." - Vivian Greene
1 Comment

How I became a single parent

2/12/2011

4 Comments

 
I recently finished reading Grace by Richard Paul Evens.  It reminded me of how many women stay with abusive men (either physically or emotionally) because they think that they cannot make it on their own.  I am living proof that you can.  To prove it, let me tell you about my humble beginning.

I grew up in the small town of Price, Utah.  From the age of 5 to the age of 10, I lived on 5 acres just outside of town.  It was a wonderful existence.  My cousins lived just up the lane and we could go play for hours in the vast open space surrounding us.  We had a wash (dry creek bed) in our backyard that we often played in and went exploring in for miles.  We even built a great little fort in there using bushes for the walls and rocks and logs for furniture.  It quickly became the neighborhood hangout.  Then just after my mother’s 30th birthday my parents sat my sister, brother and me down and told us they were getting a divorce.  Not long after that, we moved from our wonderful home.  My mother rented a home in the center of town and my father rented a duplex on the east side of town.  After going back and forth between my mother’s home and my father’s for a while, my sister and I ended up living with my mother and my brother stayed with my father.

My mother, after getting pregnant at the young age of 16, dropped out of school and never even received her GED.  Therefore, her earning potential was very limited.  At the time of the divorce, she was working at the local drug store grossing $800 per month.  Yet she was determined to give my sister and me everything we wanted.  My sister became a cheerleader and I the high school mascot; both of which cost my mother a lot of money between uniforms, game trips, and national competitions.  Somehow, she made ends meet.  After watching my mother struggle so hard to put food on the table I swore I would never put myself in the same situation.  I was going to get married one time and work my hardest to not let it end in divorce.

Years later, I did get married and I quickly found out how hard it is to keep a marriage together.  There has to be a lot of compromise from both parties to make it work.  Though my husband never hit me, he was very verbally abusive.  He learned how to make me feel so worthless that I found myself scared to try anything hard.  At the time of our marriage, I was working on an engineering degree at the University of Utah.  He tried many times to talk me into quitting school but I was determined to finish.  However, it wasn’t long before I changed my major to Geography because it was easier and would not take as long to complete.  I also quit going to church because it was easier to not fight with him about me not being by his side for 2 hours on a Sunday morning.  The ultimate compromise I made was selling my rental property (a condo I owned before our marriage).  He told me that I either had to sell the property or we would get a divorce.  Since we had already had our first child and I was pregnant with our second at the time, I of course chose to keep my family together.  We tried marital counseling which seemed to help for a while but it did not take him long to go back to his verbally abusive ways.

Less than 5 months after selling my condo, my oldest child (who was 2 ½ at the time) announced, in front of her father, that he put his finger in an unthinkable place.  He denied it immediately and swore he would never do such a thing.  Not knowing what to do, I took her to her pediatrician but there was no evidence of abuse.  So I had to trust that he was innocent.  I tried to forget about the incident but it was not easy.  It was constantly in the back of my mind. At the time, I was pregnant and working part time at Salt Lake Community College with no benefits so there was no way I could leave even if I wanted to.  I found myself constantly praying about it.  Then May came and I gave birth to our second child and life seemed great again.  It was a big adjustment to having a second child.  Both my husband and my first child were very jealous of the baby.  I was so happy to be a mother again that I did not let it get me down.  I just dealt with it and kept moving forward (mostly because I did not know what else to do.)

Then August came and I found my oldest daughter doing something to herself that disturbed me.  When I asked her to stop, she said, “Why? Daddy does it to me.”  I felt as though life stopped altogether.  That evening I took her to Primary Children’s Hospital to report it.  After putting her through extremely invasive tests they determined that, again, there was no evidence of abuse.  It was me this time that gave the ultimatum.  I told him we had to go to counseling if we were going to make our marriage work.  Three weeks later, we still did not have an appointment for family counseling so I secretly found an apartment and left the last day of September.  When he came home from work that evening he found the house cleaned out of anything that was mine or the children’s.

Just like my mother, I found myslef a single mother at the age of 30.  I have looked back a number of times and wondered if I did the right thing.  I will even admit that I considered going back a couple of times.  But the one thing that kept me strong is the thought of my children and how much better off they are today because I got them out of that environment.  I do not know for sure if my husband really did the things my daughter said he did.  I do know that she is a completely different person now.  At the age of three she was so afraid of everything and everyone that she would not even play at a McDonald’s play area if there was anyone else anywhere near it (including children smaller than her).  Today at the age of 8, she is confident and strong and reading at a tenth grade level.  She loves doing gymnastics, helping others, and being the center of attention.  She gives me the strength I need to each day to continue being the example I need to be for her so that she can have a better future and be anything she wants to be.
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    Michelle Rasmussen

    A single mother herself, has learned how to successfully raise strong, self reliant children that are sure to be assets to society.

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