One thing that I have learned from being a single mother is that no matter how great you are, or how much you are able to do, you cannot do it alone.  That is why I am so thankful that I have had the support network that I have.  Between my friends, family, and neighbors, I always seem to have someone to help me when I need it most. 

Networking has been the key to my career success.  I have been very fortunate to have had the help of great people like Matt Murphy, Dave Osler, Nancy Tremblay, and many others who have helped me navigate the waters of the Autodesk world.  Without their help, I would not be where I am today.  They have given me advice, inspiration, and so much more.  Knowing how much they helped me at work, I decided to create a parenting network at home.  This network consists of other single mothers as well as married women who inspire me and teach me how to be a better mother.  I often call them up to get advice, vent, or just straight out ask for a favor.  If you are not as fortunate as I am to have a great network, then it might be time for you to do something about it.

On Tuesday, March 15th from 5:30 to 8:30 pm, a Single Mothers Seminar is taking place in Riverton, Utah.  Admission is completely free and I believe that it will be well worth your time.  Check out the flyer for more information.  The address is:

LDS Church Offices
3740 Market Center Dr
Riverton, UT
(approx.13400 S Bangerter)

Once you start developing your network, here are some ideas on how to use it to your advantage.

1.       Watch them with their children or yours and decide which habits you want to incorporate into your own parenting style.  Children respond differently to different parenting styles.  So find the style that you see your children responding to the best and incorporate it into your style.  My youngest is the hardest headed child that I have met.  When it comes to getting her to do chores, I struggle at figuring out the trigger that will encourage her to pitch in.  Then I watched my mother get her to clean base boards, windows, pull weeds, and many other things without much effort.  Of course, I wanted to learn how to get her to do chores without wasting all my energy so I asked her how she did it.  She admitted that she made it seem like she was having fun doing it which made Savanna want to do it.  She also bought a fun duster that my girls love to play with.  So whenever we go over there, they want to play with the duster and “pretend” to clean.  It is a great tactic that I have incorporated at home.  They don’t even know that they are working.

2.       Ask for advice on how they are successful in accomplishing what you want to accomplish.  Laundry is my biggest nightmare.  So when a close friend of mine told me she finally caught up on laundry and has been able to keep up with it I asked her how she did it.  She said she found flylady.net.  FlyLady is a great website with advice on how to get your house in order.  The best advice on that site is to do a little something each day.  My friend started doing one or two loads of laundry each day and it helped her have more time on the weekends to go have fun with her family.  I have tried to incorporate this but have to admit I do not always make the grade.  A little each day on everything thing else has help me a ton though.

3.       Take turns picking up each other’s children from daycare, after school activities, or play dates.  In my last neighborhood, there were a couple single mothers that had their children in the same school and afterschool program as mine.  So from time to time, if I found myself running late to pick up my girls, I would ask one of them to pick up my girls while they were picking up their children.  Of course, I would return the favor for them whenever needed so it was a win win for both of us.  If you are going to create this type of relationship with another single parent, make sure that you put that person on the safe list at their school so that they can pick up your children.

4.       I also took turns cooking dinner with one of them which was really nice because there were days that I just wanted to go home and veg in front of the TV rather than cook dinner.  It also helped that she was a great cook so I did not always have to eat my cooking which can become boring sometimes.  Through this relationship, we have exchanged recipes, laughter, and tears and created a bond that will likely last a lifetime.

I hope you enjoyed reading this week.  Please share your comments here on tools and tactics you have used that have made you a better parent.  I am sure that others would love to hear from you.

Successful single parenting requires that you take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children.  You have to make time for a little R & R (rest and relaxation) from time to time so that you can recharge your batteries.  Another way to make sure your batteries are fully charged is to not let them get completely depleted in the first place.  You can do this by encouraging your children to help out with chores around the house so that you are not the only one always doing something.

Getting your children to help is going to be different for everyone.  When I first became single, my youngest was only 4 months old so you know she wasn’t helping much.  My oldest was only 3 years old so she was only able to help a little bit.  She was good about helping pick up toys but only if I was helping her.  It was extremely hard for her to understand that she had to pick up the messes that her younger sister made.  My advice to you to get your children to help is first model the behavior that you want from them.  If you want their help, make sure you help them.  If you want them to do something for you without asking, make sure that you are doing things for them without making them ask.

Some of the mechanisms that I have used to get my children to help out are:

1.       Let them do what you are doing right alongside you.  If you are cooking, give them a bowl and some ingredients so that they can copy your every move.  My daughters have both been cracking eggs since they were 3 years old and making their own personal pizzas since about the same age.  If you are worried about the mess, do what I did and put fake food and other kitchen toys in the kitchen so that they can feel like they are a part of providing for the family.  If you are vacuuming, give them a toy and let them think it is a vacuum and let them go over the parts you just finished.

2.       As they get older, use a chore chart to help communicate what chores need to be done.  Now that my children are 5 and 8, we use a chore chart to help them know what chores I expect them to do as soon as they get home from school.  I have used a number of different chore charts and the one that seems to work best for us is a magnetic one that allows me to change up who is doing which chore each day.  Don’t forget to add what chores you are going to do to the chart (picture below shows our chart).  This helps them clearly see that you are doing more than they are and makes them want to contribute more.

3.       As great as my children are, they have their defiant times when they simply do not want to do anything.  I think we all have those moments.  It is perfectly natural to get tired of constantly having to do something.  So make sure that you create a chore schedule that allows everyone to have a day off.  I would love for our day off to be Sunday but for now it is Tuesday since we have so much going on right after work.  If you have multiple days that you stay busy from sun up to lights out, then you might consider giving them extremely simple chores that can be done within 5 minutes on those days.  That way they stay engaged with chores regularly while not overwhelming them and you.

4.       Reward them for their contribution.  I am not saying that you have to pay them an allowance (though that is a great way to teach them about money).  I am just saying that everyone likes to be appreciated so make sure that you praise them in public for the great job they did helping you.  Let them overhear you talking to your friends and family about how proud you are of them. Make time for special time with them as a reward for completing their chores every day.  Or, you could even keep a stash of their favorite candy and give them a piece each time they complete a task.  I use rocks as their reward.  I put 10 rocks in two different jars at the beginning of each week.  If they do not complete their daily chores, I take a rock away.  If they do more than their share of chores, they get extra rocks.  Then at the end of the week, we count up the rocks and I pay them 50 cents for each rock (usually about $5).  My youngest usually ends up breaking even and my oldest often choses to forfeit her money for some other reward (usually one on one time with me).  The key is, it gives them a visual of how they are doing on an ongoing basis.

I hope you enjoyed this week’s post.  I would love to hear what tools you use as a parent that helps you and your children stay on track.  Make sure you leave your comments here so others can benefit from them as well.