Village of Life
  • Home
  • Resources
  • Empowered Camping

If You Believe That You Can Do It, Then You Can

4/26/2014

0 Comments

 
By: Michelle Rasmussen

A few months ago, one reader reached out to me asking for help. She said that her husband is so abusive that she lost a child a couple years ago to suicide. This loss made her open her eyes and realize that she needed to get out. So she started taking steps to do so. As she did, her husband became more controlling. He started refusing to let her hang out with friends without him. He refused to let her go grocery shopping or run any other errands. Instead he insisted on doing all the errands. At the same time, he decided it was time to get rid of their second car. He said that since she did not work, there was no reason to have two vehicles. The truth of the matter is that he did not want her to have a way to run. She began to think there was no way to win and so she stopped trying. That same month that she gave up on herself, her second child gave up on life by committing suicide.  Now she has one child left and is more determined than ever to get out and spare her last child the pain that the first two suffered. The problem is, she does not know where to start.

I have contemplated this woman’s plea for help for quite some time. It has weighed heavily on my heart. I want more than anything to help this woman but I also know that until she is ready to help herself, no one else can help her. I learned this lesson the hard way when I gave a woman a safe place to live only to have her give her abuser a key to the place shortly after. Within a week, she called to inform me that the nine foot sliding glass door was broken and she had no way to secure it. I did not have to ask what had happened, I already knew. I watch the cycle repeat itself far too often.

That is the biggest problem with domestic abuse. Abusers often isolate their victims and make them feel as though there is no hope… there is no way to break free... that no one can help them. Abusers make us believe that we need them to survive. They beg for forgiveness and swear that they will change. We want so much to believe them, to have hope, that we give them second, third, and forth chances (often many more). They tell us that it is our fault that they act the way that they do… and we believe them.

As I lay in bed contemplating life this morning, I realized that an article I wrote for my company’s motivational article in the company newsletter is the thing that might help this woman more than anything else I could say to her right now. So here it is:
Have you ever been given a task and thought to yourself, “There is no way that I can do this, I’m not skilled in that area.” I am confident that we have all said that at some point in our careers. The question is, did you tell your manager that you cannot do it, or did you find a way to do it?

I have a confession to make, I am currently working in an area where I am very weak. In school, my worst subjects were spelling and English. I really struggled to pass any writing course I have ever taken. In fact, I would list writing as my weakest area of expertise. Anyone that has had the misfortune of having to review one of my books before it went to my editor can attest to that. To top it off, I only type about 45 words per minute.

Now that you know the truth about me, you might be asking yourself, “Why in the world is Michelle writing courseware for ASCENT if it is her weakest area of expertise.”

The simplest answer to that question is that I have never let something stop me from succeeding. I am the only person that can determine what I can and cannot do. If I decide that I want to do something, I just do it. If I do not have the expertise, I make sure that I gain them. Fortunately, I have been very blessed to be surrounded by a great team of people who have helped make me a better writer. Everyone from reviewers who critique my writing style, to editors that make sure I spell things correctly and use proper grammar, to managers that keep me focused and on schedule.

Many tasks take a team to get the job done. But even with the best team in the world, self-doubt can cripple the most skilled individual. So the next time you are given a task to complete that falls outside your area of expertise, do not let it stop you from completing it. Rather than tell yourself, “There is no way I can get this done.” Ask yourself, “How am I going to get this done?”

This simple question can help you in your professional life as well as your personal life. In fact, it helped me create exactly what I was looking for, for two years. I really wanted a table behind my couch that would allow me to display my military memorabilia while also acting as a stand for my lamp. After searching high and low for two years, I came to the realization that what I wanted did not exist. So, even though I have zero carpentry skills, I decided to build the table myself. Instead of giving up on my vision, I decided to create it. Here is the result. This table serves as proof that you can do anything you put your mind to.

I know that you are probably thinking to yourself, believing in yourself at work is so much different than believing in your ability to break free from an abuser. But I promise you this... the first step you need to take in order to break the chains that bind you is believing in yourself. I’m not going to pretend that it is an easy step. In fact, it is the hardest step in the process. How can you believe in yourself when you have someone you love telling you that you can’t… telling you that you are worthless… telling you that you that it is all your fault? I know from personal experience that it is not easy. It took time for me to break free as well. But the moment you change your mind and start believing in the possibilities… that is the moment that life begins. That is the moment when others can begin to help you.

I believe in you! You just need to believe in yourself.
0 Comments

Your Children Are Watching

1/2/2013

0 Comments

 
By Michelle Rasmussen

After entering a building you hold the door open for the next person about to come through just after you. Your children are watching.  A child at the table next to you in a restaurant drops their toy over the back of your seat into your booth and you hand it back to them with a smile. Your children are watching. You are out shoveling the snow off your driveway and sidewalk and decide to help your neighbor by also taking care of their walks.  Your children are watching.  You watch a mother try to carry her groceries across a busy parking lot while holding the hand of an out of control toddler who causes her to drop everything in her arms and it scatters all over the parking lot.  Rather than walk by, without a word you stop to help her gather the scatter items, put them back in the bags, and into her arms.  Your children are watching.


I’m sure that we all recognize that setting examples of showing empathy towards others teaches our children to understand others, appreciate differences, and be caring as they notice others in need.  Teaching our children empathy helps them learn to stand in other people’s shoes.  But did you know that the way we allow others to treat us determines how our children will allow others to treat them? 
 
Think about this, when a young child watches their parent get hurt repeatedly by someone they love, it teaches the child that a person does not love you unless they hurt you. When a person cheats on their significant other and their children are aware of the infidelity, the children often grow up to cheat on their significant other or they continually end up with people that cheat on them.  Our children watch our every move. Even when we think they are unaware of what is really going on, they are watching.  They pick up on so much more than we give them credit for. So when they hear you tell a lie about where you have been or they watch you allow someone to lie to you, you are teaching them that lying is ok.  As they become teenagers, you might find them lying to you.  How you respond to those lies will set the stage and often determine if or how long the lies will continue.

I want to challenge you to make a New Year’s resolution right now to become the type of person you want your children to be. Because they are watching and one day, they will inevitably make the same mistakes you are making right now unless you do something about it.  As you resolve to do better, keep in mind that it will not be something
you can change overnight. The goal should be to become 1% better each day, not 100% better in one day.  From time to time you are going to stumble and you are going to fall.  Each time you do, pick yourself up and try again.  Don’t feel like you need to hide your failures from your children, let them learn from them just like you are.  Hopefully then they will not have to go through the same experiences to learn the same lessons.  

An old Japanese proverb says, “Fall seven times, stand up eight.” Teach this to your children by doing it yourself. Your children are watching.
0 Comments

Change

9/17/2012

0 Comments

 
I started Village of Life to help women change their lives and know that they can have something better.  That is the one thing that I love most about this life is that we all have the freedom to choose our own path. No one can stand in our way unless we let them.  We can decide to pull ourselves up by the boot straps and make our lives better and we can choose to help someone else do the same.  Watch this short inspirational movie from Simple Truths, then leave your comment on what you want for your life and what one thing will you change to make it happen.

http://play.simpletruths.com/movie/one-choice/?cm_mmc=CheetahMail-_-MO-_-09.17.12-_-ONCHmovie-USCAXX-&utm_source=CheetahMail&utm_campaign=ONCHmovie

0 Comments

Where did the village go?

8/14/2012

0 Comments

 
I started the Village of Life as a way to bring awareness to others that single parenting is harder than co-parenting but it does not have to be.   If people would join together and help each other like they used to, then single
parents would not feel so alone and outnumbered by their children.

Once upon a time, society worked a whole lot different.  People took on the attitude that it takes a village to raise a child.   That means that if a child was misbehaving in public it was likely that an adult that knew the child’s family would correct that child. Then they would tell the child’s family who would also correct the child.  Even complete strangers would step up and tell children to straighten up. But now days, if a stranger corrects a child, they are looked down upon; even yelled at by the child’s parents for stepping in.  When did things change?  And more importantly, WHY?

Let me give you an example. When I was dating an individual that came from a large family (before I had children of my own) we went to Lake Powell with his family.  We attempted to fit his parents, his 5 siblings, and all their children on one house boat.  It was a very fun trip but can you say overcrowded?  Luckily we took a tent to sleep on shore.  One evening after motoring around the lake all day, we pulled up to shore to dock for the evening so that those with tents could get their beds set up.  
 
Now, docking a large house boat can be a tedious task.  It takes concentration and a lot of coordination between the driver and others around the boat to get the ropes out, anchor out and placed, and ropes tied off to it properly. 
It can also be dangerous if you are not careful.


On this evening, there were three young boys who wanted to fish but were told “No” by their grandfather. You see, he was busy trying to get the boat anchored and parked in a way that those going to shore did not have to step in the water if they did not want to.  Upset to be told “No” they complained to their mother who quickly reversed their grandfather’s decision.  Coming from a family that does not tolerate a parent overriding another adult without asking why they made the decision they did, I stepped in and explained the situation to the mother.  Expecting her to see the wisdom her father-in-law demonstrated by telling them “no” in the first place, I was dumb founded when she told me to stay out of it because she was their mother and I had no right butting in.  I had to step away from the situation completely in order to refrain from making an enemy out of this women.

Over the years, I have upset plenty of parents by butting in and telling children to stop doing something they shouldn’t.  Some of these parents have been my friends but many have not.  I can tell you this, I would much rather make an enemy of a friend for stepping in when they think I shouldn’t have than see a child get hurt because I saw them doing something they should not have been doing.  So the next time you see a child or young teenager doing something they shouldn't, speak up and help me bring back the village to help keep our children safe.
0 Comments

We get hooked on what we take in

11/17/2011

0 Comments

 
Last week I mentioned that I need to do a better job of helping my oldest daughter handle her frustrations.  The best way to do this is to first handle my own emotions better.  You see, there are negative traits that we experience from our parents that we carry through our lives and often repeat as adults.  Freud calls this the repetitive trait.  We get bonded to the pain we feel as children and look for that same pain as adults because it is familiar to us and we know how to handle it.  So if your mother or father yelled a lot when you were a child, it is likely that you ended up with a spouse that also yells a lot or, maybe, you yell at your children a lot.

In order to break this cycle, it will take gaining control over your emotions. That is something that is so much easier said than done.  Believe me, I have spent years on this and I am still a work in progress.  No one is perfect and we all could use help in this area.  The good news is that it is not about being 100% perfect but getting 1% better with each day.  So then how do we get 1% better each day?  I am going to break this into an easy three step process:

1.       Recognize the problem
2.       Make a plan
3.       Take action

Yes, I know that this sounds generic and much like how an engineer might solve it but that is my background so bear with me.

Recognizing the problem takes paying attention to your emotions.  For instance, if you tend to fight a lot with your ex because they give you parenting tips, the next time they do, I want you to stop before responding to them and just gage how you are feeling.  By observing your emotions, you will become more aware of them.  Once aware, you will be better able to create a plan on how to control them.  As you are observing your emotions there are some particular things to take note of.  First is the intensity of your emotion.  Does a certain topic or interaction with a specific person create more intense feelings in you than another?  Next, listen to your thoughts.  What kind of internal dialog do you have with yourself when you feel this way?  By understanding your internal dialog you will start to recognize common triggers (both positive and negative) that kickoff your dialog.  Often times these triggers come from your own dreams, fears, and issues.  Your ex may not be criticizing you as much as they are trying to help you.  But your fear of being judged or your fear of doing something wrong may be the real reason for your anger rather than what they actually said.  Last but not least, pay attention to how long you stay angry.  Does it take an hour or two to get over the comments your ex said or do you hang on to that anger even longer (days or weeks)?

Now that you have a better understanding of the internal dialog you have with yourself, you can start to change it for a more positive outcome.  Decide how you will either change the internal dialog with yourself or the reaction you have to the emotions.  Using the example above, you may decide to simply change your reaction.  Rather than make a snide comment about your ex’s parenting skills, you can respond with, “I will consider that and let you know if I decide to use it or not.”  For the most lasting and positive results, changing the emotion you feel in the situation is the best thing to do.  In order to do this,  it may require you to take some parenting classes to find out how successful parents manage their children’s behavior.  If you know you are doing your best and you feel your best is enough, then gaining more self-esteem may be all that you need to be able to disregard what they said so that you no longer need validation from them that you are doing a great job.

Self-esteem is something that you can only create for yourself.  If self-esteem is what you are lacking, then try this exercise that I found works for me.  I use it quite often just before I do a public speaking engagement.  Think about your experiences in life and remember a time when you felt empowered, confident, and in control.  Think about the smells in the room, the clothes you were wearing, the lighting of the room, and the emotions you were feeling.  As you think about this experience, take a deep breath and slowly release it.  When you are alone, do this exercise often.  Then slowly take the exercise out into public and envision yourself in that moment while remembering to breath.  Before you know it you will begin to feel this way when you slow down your breathing and take deep, purposeful breaths.  Then all you will need to do to feel empowered and self-confident is breath.

If that doesn’t work, then listen to Jewel’s Stronger Women song over and over until you can sing it to yourself without it playing.  It has been very empowering for me.  My favorite line is, “From now on I am going to be the kind of women I want my daughter to be.”

Once you have control over your emotions, you will be better suited to help your children learn to control their emotions which will help them in all aspects of their life (friends, school, work, marriage, and yes, even parenting).

I hope you enjoyed reading this week.  Until next time, good luck and God bless.
0 Comments
    Picture

    Michelle Rasmussen

    A single mother herself, has learned how to successfully raise strong, self reliant children that are sure to be assets to society.

    View my profile on LinkedIn

    Archives

    December 2019
    February 2015
    April 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    July 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011

    Categories

    All
    Abuse
    Action
    Anger
    Baggage
    Blessing
    Blessings
    Breath
    Bright Girls
    Burden
    Busy
    Change
    Child Directed Interaction
    Children
    Chores
    Confidence
    Contributions
    Control
    Courage
    Cursing
    Custody
    Dating
    Deadline
    Describe
    Discipline
    Divorce
    Don
    Don't Give Up
    Earning Potential
    Emotions
    Employment Tools
    Encouragement
    Enthusiasm
    Evidence
    Fairytale
    Families
    Fear
    Garden
    George Myers
    Goals
    Happiness
    Hardships
    Hurt
    Ideal
    Imitate
    Issue
    Judgement
    Keep Going
    Language
    Learnvest
    Legacy
    Letting Go
    Living Life
    Love
    Love What You Do
    Meditation
    Milestone
    Mother
    Mother's Day
    Motivation
    Networking
    Overcoming
    Parent Directed Interaction
    Parenting
    Parenting Skills
    Parenting Tools
    Patience
    Pcit
    People Helping People
    Perspective
    Plan
    Police
    Positive
    Praise
    Pray
    Prayer
    Preemptive Discipline
    Pride
    Priorities
    Protected
    Purpose
    Reality
    Recognize
    Reflect
    Repetitive Trait
    Resolution
    Roots
    R & R
    Self-control
    Self Doubt
    Self-doubt
    Self Esteem
    Self-esteem
    Self Fulfilling
    Self-fulfilling
    Self Reliance
    Self-reliance
    Self Respect
    Self-respect
    Seminar
    Single
    Smart Girls
    Steps To Take
    Stress
    Strong
    Stupid
    Support
    Swearing
    Take Action
    Thankful
    Timeout
    Tough
    Truth
    Victim
    Victory
    Wings
    Work
    Worry
    Yelling

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.