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If You Believe That You Can Do It, Then You Can

4/26/2014

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By: Michelle Rasmussen

A few months ago, one reader reached out to me asking for help. She said that her husband is so abusive that she lost a child a couple years ago to suicide. This loss made her open her eyes and realize that she needed to get out. So she started taking steps to do so. As she did, her husband became more controlling. He started refusing to let her hang out with friends without him. He refused to let her go grocery shopping or run any other errands. Instead he insisted on doing all the errands. At the same time, he decided it was time to get rid of their second car. He said that since she did not work, there was no reason to have two vehicles. The truth of the matter is that he did not want her to have a way to run. She began to think there was no way to win and so she stopped trying. That same month that she gave up on herself, her second child gave up on life by committing suicide.  Now she has one child left and is more determined than ever to get out and spare her last child the pain that the first two suffered. The problem is, she does not know where to start.

I have contemplated this woman’s plea for help for quite some time. It has weighed heavily on my heart. I want more than anything to help this woman but I also know that until she is ready to help herself, no one else can help her. I learned this lesson the hard way when I gave a woman a safe place to live only to have her give her abuser a key to the place shortly after. Within a week, she called to inform me that the nine foot sliding glass door was broken and she had no way to secure it. I did not have to ask what had happened, I already knew. I watch the cycle repeat itself far too often.

That is the biggest problem with domestic abuse. Abusers often isolate their victims and make them feel as though there is no hope… there is no way to break free... that no one can help them. Abusers make us believe that we need them to survive. They beg for forgiveness and swear that they will change. We want so much to believe them, to have hope, that we give them second, third, and forth chances (often many more). They tell us that it is our fault that they act the way that they do… and we believe them.

As I lay in bed contemplating life this morning, I realized that an article I wrote for my company’s motivational article in the company newsletter is the thing that might help this woman more than anything else I could say to her right now. So here it is:
Have you ever been given a task and thought to yourself, “There is no way that I can do this, I’m not skilled in that area.” I am confident that we have all said that at some point in our careers. The question is, did you tell your manager that you cannot do it, or did you find a way to do it?

I have a confession to make, I am currently working in an area where I am very weak. In school, my worst subjects were spelling and English. I really struggled to pass any writing course I have ever taken. In fact, I would list writing as my weakest area of expertise. Anyone that has had the misfortune of having to review one of my books before it went to my editor can attest to that. To top it off, I only type about 45 words per minute.

Now that you know the truth about me, you might be asking yourself, “Why in the world is Michelle writing courseware for ASCENT if it is her weakest area of expertise.”

The simplest answer to that question is that I have never let something stop me from succeeding. I am the only person that can determine what I can and cannot do. If I decide that I want to do something, I just do it. If I do not have the expertise, I make sure that I gain them. Fortunately, I have been very blessed to be surrounded by a great team of people who have helped make me a better writer. Everyone from reviewers who critique my writing style, to editors that make sure I spell things correctly and use proper grammar, to managers that keep me focused and on schedule.

Many tasks take a team to get the job done. But even with the best team in the world, self-doubt can cripple the most skilled individual. So the next time you are given a task to complete that falls outside your area of expertise, do not let it stop you from completing it. Rather than tell yourself, “There is no way I can get this done.” Ask yourself, “How am I going to get this done?”

This simple question can help you in your professional life as well as your personal life. In fact, it helped me create exactly what I was looking for, for two years. I really wanted a table behind my couch that would allow me to display my military memorabilia while also acting as a stand for my lamp. After searching high and low for two years, I came to the realization that what I wanted did not exist. So, even though I have zero carpentry skills, I decided to build the table myself. Instead of giving up on my vision, I decided to create it. Here is the result. This table serves as proof that you can do anything you put your mind to.

I know that you are probably thinking to yourself, believing in yourself at work is so much different than believing in your ability to break free from an abuser. But I promise you this... the first step you need to take in order to break the chains that bind you is believing in yourself. I’m not going to pretend that it is an easy step. In fact, it is the hardest step in the process. How can you believe in yourself when you have someone you love telling you that you can’t… telling you that you are worthless… telling you that you that it is all your fault? I know from personal experience that it is not easy. It took time for me to break free as well. But the moment you change your mind and start believing in the possibilities… that is the moment that life begins. That is the moment when others can begin to help you.

I believe in you! You just need to believe in yourself.
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Your Children Are Watching

1/2/2013

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By Michelle Rasmussen

After entering a building you hold the door open for the next person about to come through just after you. Your children are watching.  A child at the table next to you in a restaurant drops their toy over the back of your seat into your booth and you hand it back to them with a smile. Your children are watching. You are out shoveling the snow off your driveway and sidewalk and decide to help your neighbor by also taking care of their walks.  Your children are watching.  You watch a mother try to carry her groceries across a busy parking lot while holding the hand of an out of control toddler who causes her to drop everything in her arms and it scatters all over the parking lot.  Rather than walk by, without a word you stop to help her gather the scatter items, put them back in the bags, and into her arms.  Your children are watching.


I’m sure that we all recognize that setting examples of showing empathy towards others teaches our children to understand others, appreciate differences, and be caring as they notice others in need.  Teaching our children empathy helps them learn to stand in other people’s shoes.  But did you know that the way we allow others to treat us determines how our children will allow others to treat them? 
 
Think about this, when a young child watches their parent get hurt repeatedly by someone they love, it teaches the child that a person does not love you unless they hurt you. When a person cheats on their significant other and their children are aware of the infidelity, the children often grow up to cheat on their significant other or they continually end up with people that cheat on them.  Our children watch our every move. Even when we think they are unaware of what is really going on, they are watching.  They pick up on so much more than we give them credit for. So when they hear you tell a lie about where you have been or they watch you allow someone to lie to you, you are teaching them that lying is ok.  As they become teenagers, you might find them lying to you.  How you respond to those lies will set the stage and often determine if or how long the lies will continue.

I want to challenge you to make a New Year’s resolution right now to become the type of person you want your children to be. Because they are watching and one day, they will inevitably make the same mistakes you are making right now unless you do something about it.  As you resolve to do better, keep in mind that it will not be something
you can change overnight. The goal should be to become 1% better each day, not 100% better in one day.  From time to time you are going to stumble and you are going to fall.  Each time you do, pick yourself up and try again.  Don’t feel like you need to hide your failures from your children, let them learn from them just like you are.  Hopefully then they will not have to go through the same experiences to learn the same lessons.  

An old Japanese proverb says, “Fall seven times, stand up eight.” Teach this to your children by doing it yourself. Your children are watching.
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Don't be Stupid and Stop Hurting Yourself

9/30/2011

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I have been inspired to write today about a situation that a dear friend of mine is going through.  It is a situation that I am sure that many of you have found yourself in.  She too is a single mother and this week she was cited for domestic violence against her ex-husband.  This is a man that is 6’4” and weighs around 210 pounds who is accusing a little 4’10”, 95 pound woman of assaulting him.  How could that be you ask?  Let me tell you what happened.

My friend went to her ex-husband’s home to pick up their 1 year old son at the end of his scheduled visitation.  When she arrived, he refused to give her their son so she started arguing with him.  This made him upset so he started hitting her.  My friend is a very strong willed person who will not take that kind of abuse from anyone so she pushed him.  Unfortunate for her, he had their son in his arms.  So when she called the police to try to get help getting her son back, they charged her with domestic violence rather than him. 

Sounds like injustice but I want you to stand back and think about something.  The real victim here is not the mother or the father.  The real victim is the little boy.  He doesn’t need to see his parents fighting over him or fighting period for that matter.  Granted, he is only a year old and he will not remember this incident but if they do not straighten up, he will remember others.  The authorities understand this all too well.  They see thousands of children every year that come from broken homes.  It is there job to protect the children as much as possible.  Therefore, if you are hit in the presence of your children and you hit back, it is highly likely that you too will be charged with domestic violence.  So don’t be stupid.  If someone hits you, do NOT hit them back.

Now you are likely asking, what do you do?  Here is the best advice I can possibly give you.  Fight back with your will and not your might.  Your will is your brain, your might is your body.  That means, if someone hits you, don’t hit them back especially in the presence of a child.  Instead, yell out, retreat, and get help.

Yelling out will get the attention of anyone around you.  In court you need proof of abuse in order to get a restraining order or any other kind of help from the authorities.  Believe me; it is not easy to get a restraining order.  You can make it easier if you have proof of what they did.  Make sure you get that proof by attracting the attention of anyone in the area.  An eyewitness is great proof if they are willing to speak on your behalf.  If they leave a bruise, document when the bruise showed up (it may be hours or days later) and take pictures.

Next, retreat.  Backing up a few feet may be all that is needed to get out of range.  However, I have seen abusive men in their rage and backing up a few feet is not always enough.  I know that it is hard as a mother to walk (or run) away from an abuser that has your child in their arms but you may have to.  I know that the only thing going through your head at that moment is the safety of your child.  But if you are not safe, how will you keep your child safe?  Take care of yourself first and get out of the situation.  As soon as you are safely in your car or the home of a neighbor or in a public location, call the authorities.  Let them go in after your child.  This is the hardest part because you have to trust in someone else to help you.  I have been there, I know how hard it is.

I am a very strong willed person and I thought that I could protect my children on my own just by leaving my ex-husband.  I was wrong.  After years of failing to prove in court what my ex is really like and the seriousness of the situation, I finally handed the situation over to God.  There were multiple times that I felt my children were not safe with their father and I wanted to run right over to his house and take them away.  But I knew that doing so would only work against me in court.  Instead I had to call on the police to help me.  Luckily, each time I did, they clearly saw that my children were not safe and they documented the situation and removed my children for me.  That documentation is what finally helped me to protect my children.  It took the police removing my children from their father’s home a couple of time before the courts could see for themselves the seriousness of the situation.  The point is that they finally realize that they are not safe with him and have put them under permanent supervised visitation (or until he gets help which will be never).

What pulled me though was patience and the love of my friends and family.  I had to endure years of the courts believing his lies but I knew that the only way to fight a liar is with the truth.  I had to collect evidence of the truth and so will you.  Gathering enough evidence does not happen overnight and you are going to get discouraged.  Just don’t give up.  Patience will pull you through.

If you continue to feel threatened each time you go to pick up your children, petition the courts to order the exchange with a third party.  My Ex-husband and I went through a local company for about a year that we paid to do the exchanges.  He would walk into the building on one side and I would drop the children off with a responsible adult on the other side.  We never had to speak to each other or even see each other.  Although I felt sick each time I had to let me children go with him, I at least felt safe and my children could sense it.  This made them feel more at ease and made the situation livable for the time.

One last bit of advice I can give you is to carry with you everywhere any court orders showing who has custody of your children and the visitation schedule.  That way, if you find yourself in my friend’s shoes, the police will be able to help you more.  Without that, you may not get your children back that day.  The police would simply document the incident and let the courts make a decision about what to do at your next court hearing.

Good luck and God bless.
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How to Break Free

2/19/2011

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Last week I wrote about how I became a single parent and what keeps me going strong each day.  This week I want to focus on the steps I took to break free and the mistakes I made along the way so that you do not have to make the same mistakes.

Step number one is gathering the strength you need to walk out.  My strength came from believing that leaving would make my life and my children’s lives better.  Then I convinced myself that I could make it on my own.  This is probably the hardest step because we have been programed for so long to believe that we cannot make it… that we need the person that is beating us down each day to survive.  In actuality, that breaking you down is giving you strength and endurance like no other.  I know that statement sounds ridiculous so let me put in a side story to help you understand what I mean.

Almost right out of high school, I joined the Air Force.  Friends and family laughed and ridiculed me because they did not think that I could make it through basic training.  To be honest, I was not sure I could either.  I was a skinny, knobby kneed little girl that was scared of her own shadow.  I would burst into tears if someone even looked at me cross.  I knew that it would not be easy but I was willing to try so that I could have the means to pay for college.  Once I got to basic training, I found that I flourished.  You see…. the military beats you down during basic training so that they can turn around and build you up in the image that they need you to be.  They need you to have strength and endurance so that if you should go to war, you will have the strength needed to come home in one piece.  I believe that the Lord gives you trials because he knows you have the strength inside to overcome them, he just needs you to realize it as well.  These trials build you up and prepare you for what is ahead.  The longer you have been in an abusive relationship, the stronger you will be when you finally break free.  I am not saying that it is easy… but the best things in life never are.

Even after leaving, I had to continually convince myself that I can do it on my own.  Each morning for three years, I looked in the mirror and told myself that I am strong enough, smart enough and worth enough before I started believing it.  It helped that I had a lot of friends and family rooting for me all along the way. 

*Note:  If you are not the one in a violent relationship but have someone you love who is, the best help you can give them is words of encouragement to keep moving forward.  I have heard that we need 7-10 positive words to outweigh the negative ones.  As a friend or loved one, you have your work cut out for you.

Before you leave, make sure that you are amply prepared to do so.  The first mistake that I made was not gathering (or presenting) proof that would help me protect my children easier.  Let me elaborate a bit… The last year I was with my husband, I kept a journal about the problems we had in our marriage.  I started the journal as a way of releasing some of the things I was keeping completely inside.  Outside of my journal, I only told one person about the things going on in my home.  My own family did not have a clue what my daughter had accused my husband of or the drugs I knew that he was on.  I was too ashamed to tell anyone but my best friend about what my daughter had said.  When the Department of Child and Family Services (DCFS) worker asked me if I had a journal or if I had told anyone else what was going on, I did not have the courage to tell her yes because she asked me in front of my husband.  I was much more concerned about how angry he would get and the rath that would come after she left than proving I was telling the truth.  Instead I trusted that the DCFS worker would write in her report that he admitted to doing drugs and that he admitted my daughter had accused him of this unthinkable act right in front of him. The lesson learned here is that you have to gather enough evidence and present it to the authorities so that they can do their job.  Some of that evidence might include keeping a journal of violent incidences, medical records, and a list of witnesses who may be able to speak on your behalf.  If you have experienced physical abuse, pictures of your cuts and bruises are vital.  Do not hesitate to go to the emergency room right after being attacked.  It is going to be your word against theirs’ if you do not gather the proper evidence.

Other things that are vital are important documents like birth certificates, driver’s license, pass ports, and important phone numbers.  Gather them and put them in a safe place where you can grab them quickly if you should have to leave before you plan to.

A few  of the things that I did right were: 1) find a place to live and leave without confronting my husband, 2) apply for a restraining order on my children’s behalf, 3) never give up doing everything that I can  to protect them, 4) learn to seek the help of others.

1)      I was extremely fortunate to find a great place in a safe neighborhood that I could afford.  Before actually moving, I spent two weeks cleaning and arranging clothes and household items that I would need so that I could pack them quickly.  I also arranged to have movers pack and move everything we could in one day while my husband was at work.  I knew all too well that anything I left would be ruined as soon as he noticed we were gone so I told the movers to take everything that looked like it belonged to me or my children.  Then I returned anything that was actually his a few months after leaving when I felt safe enough to hand it to him.

2)      The day before I moved out, I spent the day at the courthouse getting a restraining order to protect my children.  With the restraining order, I was able to have police stand guard while I packed everything my children and I would need to get by in our new home.  This gave me the sense of security that I needed so that I could pack more efficiently. (If you are constantly in a state of fight or flight, your mind does not think as clearly and you tend to miss a lot of things.)

3)      I never gave up.  For the last five years, I have fought to keep my children safe.  I have spent a lot of time and money in and out of court trying to prove that my children need to visit their father under the protection of a professional supervisor.  I have succeeded multiple times in getting supervised visitation ordered only to have it revoked a few months to a year later because he refused to visit with my girls with a supervisor present.  The courts seem to believe that a bad father is better for my children than no father at all.  In 2008, when I succeeded in getting supervised visitations ordered, I was dating someone whom I cared about a great deal.  When I no longer had full weekends without my children, he realized that staying with me would mean raising someone else’s children.  He was not ready for that.  It would have been easy for me to give in and let my ex-husband have unsupervised visitation so that I could be with this man but I knew that my children needed supervised visitation more than I needed a man in my life.  I also realized that the only man for me is one that is willing and able to help me raise my children in a healthy and loving home.

4)      Before even leaving, I had my daughter in counseling.  As part of that, I had the opportunity to go through Parent Child Interaction Training (PCIT).  This by far was the best thing that could have happened for my children and me.  PCIT gave me parenting skills that I would not have thought to gain otherwise.  It also brought me and my children much closer than would have been possible without it.

I am just now realizing how long this post is getting so I will cut it short.  There are a number of other steps you will want to consider taking according to Dr. Phil. A full list of them is below.

·         If you are in immediate danger, call the police.
·         Develop an escape plan which does not include confronting your abuser.
·         Contact your local battered women’s shelter, and know about laws and resources available to you before a  crisis. 
·         Keep evidence of physical abuse.
·         Keep a journal of all violent incidences.
·         Take important phone numbers.
·         Gather important documents — medical records, birth certificates, driver's license.
·         If injured, go to the doctor, report what happened and document the visit.
·         Plan with your children, and identify a safe place for them to go for help.
·         Try to set money aside.
·         Pack an extra set of clothing for yourself and your children.
·         Request police standby or an escort to the shelter.
If you need immediate assistance do not hesitate to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 (800) 799-SAFE (7233).

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain." - Vivian Greene
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How I became a single parent

2/12/2011

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I recently finished reading Grace by Richard Paul Evens.  It reminded me of how many women stay with abusive men (either physically or emotionally) because they think that they cannot make it on their own.  I am living proof that you can.  To prove it, let me tell you about my humble beginning.

I grew up in the small town of Price, Utah.  From the age of 5 to the age of 10, I lived on 5 acres just outside of town.  It was a wonderful existence.  My cousins lived just up the lane and we could go play for hours in the vast open space surrounding us.  We had a wash (dry creek bed) in our backyard that we often played in and went exploring in for miles.  We even built a great little fort in there using bushes for the walls and rocks and logs for furniture.  It quickly became the neighborhood hangout.  Then just after my mother’s 30th birthday my parents sat my sister, brother and me down and told us they were getting a divorce.  Not long after that, we moved from our wonderful home.  My mother rented a home in the center of town and my father rented a duplex on the east side of town.  After going back and forth between my mother’s home and my father’s for a while, my sister and I ended up living with my mother and my brother stayed with my father.

My mother, after getting pregnant at the young age of 16, dropped out of school and never even received her GED.  Therefore, her earning potential was very limited.  At the time of the divorce, she was working at the local drug store grossing $800 per month.  Yet she was determined to give my sister and me everything we wanted.  My sister became a cheerleader and I the high school mascot; both of which cost my mother a lot of money between uniforms, game trips, and national competitions.  Somehow, she made ends meet.  After watching my mother struggle so hard to put food on the table I swore I would never put myself in the same situation.  I was going to get married one time and work my hardest to not let it end in divorce.

Years later, I did get married and I quickly found out how hard it is to keep a marriage together.  There has to be a lot of compromise from both parties to make it work.  Though my husband never hit me, he was very verbally abusive.  He learned how to make me feel so worthless that I found myself scared to try anything hard.  At the time of our marriage, I was working on an engineering degree at the University of Utah.  He tried many times to talk me into quitting school but I was determined to finish.  However, it wasn’t long before I changed my major to Geography because it was easier and would not take as long to complete.  I also quit going to church because it was easier to not fight with him about me not being by his side for 2 hours on a Sunday morning.  The ultimate compromise I made was selling my rental property (a condo I owned before our marriage).  He told me that I either had to sell the property or we would get a divorce.  Since we had already had our first child and I was pregnant with our second at the time, I of course chose to keep my family together.  We tried marital counseling which seemed to help for a while but it did not take him long to go back to his verbally abusive ways.

Less than 5 months after selling my condo, my oldest child (who was 2 ½ at the time) announced, in front of her father, that he put his finger in an unthinkable place.  He denied it immediately and swore he would never do such a thing.  Not knowing what to do, I took her to her pediatrician but there was no evidence of abuse.  So I had to trust that he was innocent.  I tried to forget about the incident but it was not easy.  It was constantly in the back of my mind. At the time, I was pregnant and working part time at Salt Lake Community College with no benefits so there was no way I could leave even if I wanted to.  I found myself constantly praying about it.  Then May came and I gave birth to our second child and life seemed great again.  It was a big adjustment to having a second child.  Both my husband and my first child were very jealous of the baby.  I was so happy to be a mother again that I did not let it get me down.  I just dealt with it and kept moving forward (mostly because I did not know what else to do.)

Then August came and I found my oldest daughter doing something to herself that disturbed me.  When I asked her to stop, she said, “Why? Daddy does it to me.”  I felt as though life stopped altogether.  That evening I took her to Primary Children’s Hospital to report it.  After putting her through extremely invasive tests they determined that, again, there was no evidence of abuse.  It was me this time that gave the ultimatum.  I told him we had to go to counseling if we were going to make our marriage work.  Three weeks later, we still did not have an appointment for family counseling so I secretly found an apartment and left the last day of September.  When he came home from work that evening he found the house cleaned out of anything that was mine or the children’s.

Just like my mother, I found myslef a single mother at the age of 30.  I have looked back a number of times and wondered if I did the right thing.  I will even admit that I considered going back a couple of times.  But the one thing that kept me strong is the thought of my children and how much better off they are today because I got them out of that environment.  I do not know for sure if my husband really did the things my daughter said he did.  I do know that she is a completely different person now.  At the age of three she was so afraid of everything and everyone that she would not even play at a McDonald’s play area if there was anyone else anywhere near it (including children smaller than her).  Today at the age of 8, she is confident and strong and reading at a tenth grade level.  She loves doing gymnastics, helping others, and being the center of attention.  She gives me the strength I need to each day to continue being the example I need to be for her so that she can have a better future and be anything she wants to be.
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    Michelle Rasmussen

    A single mother herself, has learned how to successfully raise strong, self reliant children that are sure to be assets to society.

    View my profile on LinkedIn

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