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If You Believe That You Can Do It, Then You Can

4/26/2014

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By: Michelle Rasmussen

A few months ago, one reader reached out to me asking for help. She said that her husband is so abusive that she lost a child a couple years ago to suicide. This loss made her open her eyes and realize that she needed to get out. So she started taking steps to do so. As she did, her husband became more controlling. He started refusing to let her hang out with friends without him. He refused to let her go grocery shopping or run any other errands. Instead he insisted on doing all the errands. At the same time, he decided it was time to get rid of their second car. He said that since she did not work, there was no reason to have two vehicles. The truth of the matter is that he did not want her to have a way to run. She began to think there was no way to win and so she stopped trying. That same month that she gave up on herself, her second child gave up on life by committing suicide.  Now she has one child left and is more determined than ever to get out and spare her last child the pain that the first two suffered. The problem is, she does not know where to start.

I have contemplated this woman’s plea for help for quite some time. It has weighed heavily on my heart. I want more than anything to help this woman but I also know that until she is ready to help herself, no one else can help her. I learned this lesson the hard way when I gave a woman a safe place to live only to have her give her abuser a key to the place shortly after. Within a week, she called to inform me that the nine foot sliding glass door was broken and she had no way to secure it. I did not have to ask what had happened, I already knew. I watch the cycle repeat itself far too often.

That is the biggest problem with domestic abuse. Abusers often isolate their victims and make them feel as though there is no hope… there is no way to break free... that no one can help them. Abusers make us believe that we need them to survive. They beg for forgiveness and swear that they will change. We want so much to believe them, to have hope, that we give them second, third, and forth chances (often many more). They tell us that it is our fault that they act the way that they do… and we believe them.

As I lay in bed contemplating life this morning, I realized that an article I wrote for my company’s motivational article in the company newsletter is the thing that might help this woman more than anything else I could say to her right now. So here it is:
Have you ever been given a task and thought to yourself, “There is no way that I can do this, I’m not skilled in that area.” I am confident that we have all said that at some point in our careers. The question is, did you tell your manager that you cannot do it, or did you find a way to do it?

I have a confession to make, I am currently working in an area where I am very weak. In school, my worst subjects were spelling and English. I really struggled to pass any writing course I have ever taken. In fact, I would list writing as my weakest area of expertise. Anyone that has had the misfortune of having to review one of my books before it went to my editor can attest to that. To top it off, I only type about 45 words per minute.

Now that you know the truth about me, you might be asking yourself, “Why in the world is Michelle writing courseware for ASCENT if it is her weakest area of expertise.”

The simplest answer to that question is that I have never let something stop me from succeeding. I am the only person that can determine what I can and cannot do. If I decide that I want to do something, I just do it. If I do not have the expertise, I make sure that I gain them. Fortunately, I have been very blessed to be surrounded by a great team of people who have helped make me a better writer. Everyone from reviewers who critique my writing style, to editors that make sure I spell things correctly and use proper grammar, to managers that keep me focused and on schedule.

Many tasks take a team to get the job done. But even with the best team in the world, self-doubt can cripple the most skilled individual. So the next time you are given a task to complete that falls outside your area of expertise, do not let it stop you from completing it. Rather than tell yourself, “There is no way I can get this done.” Ask yourself, “How am I going to get this done?”

This simple question can help you in your professional life as well as your personal life. In fact, it helped me create exactly what I was looking for, for two years. I really wanted a table behind my couch that would allow me to display my military memorabilia while also acting as a stand for my lamp. After searching high and low for two years, I came to the realization that what I wanted did not exist. So, even though I have zero carpentry skills, I decided to build the table myself. Instead of giving up on my vision, I decided to create it. Here is the result. This table serves as proof that you can do anything you put your mind to.

I know that you are probably thinking to yourself, believing in yourself at work is so much different than believing in your ability to break free from an abuser. But I promise you this... the first step you need to take in order to break the chains that bind you is believing in yourself. I’m not going to pretend that it is an easy step. In fact, it is the hardest step in the process. How can you believe in yourself when you have someone you love telling you that you can’t… telling you that you are worthless… telling you that you that it is all your fault? I know from personal experience that it is not easy. It took time for me to break free as well. But the moment you change your mind and start believing in the possibilities… that is the moment that life begins. That is the moment when others can begin to help you.

I believe in you! You just need to believe in yourself.
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Your Children Are Watching

1/2/2013

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By Michelle Rasmussen

After entering a building you hold the door open for the next person about to come through just after you. Your children are watching.  A child at the table next to you in a restaurant drops their toy over the back of your seat into your booth and you hand it back to them with a smile. Your children are watching. You are out shoveling the snow off your driveway and sidewalk and decide to help your neighbor by also taking care of their walks.  Your children are watching.  You watch a mother try to carry her groceries across a busy parking lot while holding the hand of an out of control toddler who causes her to drop everything in her arms and it scatters all over the parking lot.  Rather than walk by, without a word you stop to help her gather the scatter items, put them back in the bags, and into her arms.  Your children are watching.


I’m sure that we all recognize that setting examples of showing empathy towards others teaches our children to understand others, appreciate differences, and be caring as they notice others in need.  Teaching our children empathy helps them learn to stand in other people’s shoes.  But did you know that the way we allow others to treat us determines how our children will allow others to treat them? 
 
Think about this, when a young child watches their parent get hurt repeatedly by someone they love, it teaches the child that a person does not love you unless they hurt you. When a person cheats on their significant other and their children are aware of the infidelity, the children often grow up to cheat on their significant other or they continually end up with people that cheat on them.  Our children watch our every move. Even when we think they are unaware of what is really going on, they are watching.  They pick up on so much more than we give them credit for. So when they hear you tell a lie about where you have been or they watch you allow someone to lie to you, you are teaching them that lying is ok.  As they become teenagers, you might find them lying to you.  How you respond to those lies will set the stage and often determine if or how long the lies will continue.

I want to challenge you to make a New Year’s resolution right now to become the type of person you want your children to be. Because they are watching and one day, they will inevitably make the same mistakes you are making right now unless you do something about it.  As you resolve to do better, keep in mind that it will not be something
you can change overnight. The goal should be to become 1% better each day, not 100% better in one day.  From time to time you are going to stumble and you are going to fall.  Each time you do, pick yourself up and try again.  Don’t feel like you need to hide your failures from your children, let them learn from them just like you are.  Hopefully then they will not have to go through the same experiences to learn the same lessons.  

An old Japanese proverb says, “Fall seven times, stand up eight.” Teach this to your children by doing it yourself. Your children are watching.
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People Helping People is Expanding to Utah County

9/4/2012

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 Three years ago, my children and I moved to Utah County from Salt Lake County.  Doing so made it more difficult for me to mentor single mothers at People Helping People in Salt Lake.  Recently I found out that they are expanding into Utah County which will make it much easier for me to work with them again.  It is very exciting because I know all the good they have done in Salt Lake County and now I will be able to be a part of something great again.

You may be asking the question, “What makes them so great?”  Before I answer that question, let me tell you a bit about why they exist.  People Helping People is dedicated to reducing the number of children living in poverty by teaching low-income women, primarily single mothers, how to earn a living wage.  So what is a living wage?  A living wage is calculated off of the self-sufficiency standard which is calculated according to where you live and takes into account how many people are living in your home, housing costs, food, taxes, and other essential living expenses.  The self-sufficiency standard for Utah can be found here: http://www.selfsufficiencystandard.org/docs/Utah%202001.pdf. 
What it says is that, assuming you have an average size family with three children, and you are a single parent, you would need to earn $46,000 per year in order to sustain your little family without the help of government programs, church, or family assistance.

Unfortunately, there are over 6,000 single moms in Utah County and 75% of them and their children live below the self-sufficiency standard.  Half of this group (38%) live below the poverty line.  That is why I am so excited that People Helping People is expanding into Utah County.  PHP’s Employment Program offers a unique, long term, one-on-one approach that teaches women how to get a good job, and seek and receive pay raises and promotions. In other words, they teach these women how to play the game of work.  

Utah is well known for its stay at home wife and mother population.  It is also getting better known for it’s rising divorce rates.  So it just makes sense to teach women how to earn a good living and be self-sufficient.  If you or someone you know is a single mother and could benefit from learning what People Helping People has to offer, please join us on October 3rd or 17th for a program overview.  After which, workshops will be held each Wednesday starting in October at Utah Valley University (UVU) at 723 S. 1200 W. in Orem.  Other dates are listed in the image below.  To quote Kayleen Simmons, “If you have to work, you may as well make it pay.”  Join us to learn how.

Utah County PHP Schedule
For more informaiton about People Helping People or to see schedules for Salt Lake and Weber Counties, go to: http://www.phputah.org/ or call Marva Sadler at 1.855.303.5300 or email her at marva@phputah.org
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Just Breathe

12/18/2011

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I have recently had an experience that rocked my foundation and left me extremely unmotivated to do the everyday things that I know that I need to get done.  I have found myself not getting my school work done to completion and not getting simple housework done.  I am sure that I am experiencing a slight depression.  As I experience this, I realize that there are a number of people out there that have far more difficult obstacles in their lives and may be experiencing a much deeper form of depression or lack of motivation.  So I am going to share with you the steps I have been taking the last few weeks to get myself back on track to a happy and motivated state of mind.

The technique that I am going to share with you I learned from a wonderful life coach named Marinna Siri.  If you would like to learn more about her she has a great website at: http://beabsolutelyfree.weebly.com/index.html.

Marinna taught me that we attract to us emotions through vibration.  Each emotion has its own vibration and we can change how we are feeling by changing the vibration in our own bodies.  This comes from the law of resonance which states that when two vibrationing systems come into contact with each other, the vibration of the weaker body will adjust its energy to match that of the stronger body.  This is not a new concept and I have heard about this many times before but never really experimented with it until I met her. 

Love, gratitude, and joy are some emotions that have the highest frequency of vibration.  By creating high frequency vibrations in yourself you can begin to feel happy even on your worst days.  To do this you have to take time each day to kind of meditate.  I am not talking about meditating in the traditional Hindu or Buddhist way but in a very simple and easy to follow way.

First thing that you need to do is commit to yourself that you are going to love yourself.  Then you have to take an assessment of your state of mind in the moment.  I like to lay down when I am doing this activity mostly because I do it first thing in the morning before getting out of bed.  Plus it helps me relax and live in the moment.  As you assess your feelings, simply learn to be present.  Start by just taking an assessment of your physical feelings.  Scan your body starting with your toes and tune into anything that is going on.  Slowly work your way up into your ankles, to your knees, then thighs… all the way up to your head.  All you need to do is by the watcher of the sensations that you are feeling.  If you are not feeling anything, take your hand and touch your arm or shoulder or somewhere else on your body.  This will give you a baseline of your physical state.

Now begin to look inside at the emotions that you are feeling.  If you fully feel an emotion, it should peak in about 10-30 seconds.  What you’ll find is that emotions come to you in waves.  When we feel like we are drowning it is because we have lost ourselves in the waves and our goal is to jump up on top of the wave and ride it.  By becoming the watcher of the waves, you put yourself in a position to ride the wave much easier and take yourself out of the victim role.   Soon you will become good at surfing your waves and not letting them push you down.

Once you are present and aware of the emotions you are feeling then you can begin to change the frequency you experience with certain issues.  My issue recently has everything to do with trust.  So as I think about the issue and become present with myself and become the watcher of my emotions; I start to allow my mind to think about happy times.  Times when I experienced higher frequency emotions.   For me this was the first time I held my children.  Remember, if you are doing it right, if you are riding your waves of emotions, you should be almost outside of your body.  Like you are watching a movie but also experiencing the movie at the same time.  So as I lay there and allow my mind to picture the first time I held my children in my arms, my heart starts to feel lighter.  The heavy feeling I was having as I thought about my trust issues begin to also feel lighter.  The whole time I am going through all these emotions I breathe deeply.  What you are doing is training your body how to feel with each deep breath.  Doing this exercise everyday, trains your body how you want to feel and by connecting it to your breath you are training your body to feel lighter with each breath.  That way, when you find yourself in an anxious place… you have to ask your boss for a raise, or you have to confront your significant other or your Ex about an issue that feels heavy to you… you can calm yourself down and feel lighter just by breathing.  Then you are able to address the issue with confidence.

I hope you enjoyed reading this week and I hope to hear about your success stories.  Please share them with everyone by leaving a comment.
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We get hooked on what we take in

11/17/2011

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Last week I mentioned that I need to do a better job of helping my oldest daughter handle her frustrations.  The best way to do this is to first handle my own emotions better.  You see, there are negative traits that we experience from our parents that we carry through our lives and often repeat as adults.  Freud calls this the repetitive trait.  We get bonded to the pain we feel as children and look for that same pain as adults because it is familiar to us and we know how to handle it.  So if your mother or father yelled a lot when you were a child, it is likely that you ended up with a spouse that also yells a lot or, maybe, you yell at your children a lot.

In order to break this cycle, it will take gaining control over your emotions. That is something that is so much easier said than done.  Believe me, I have spent years on this and I am still a work in progress.  No one is perfect and we all could use help in this area.  The good news is that it is not about being 100% perfect but getting 1% better with each day.  So then how do we get 1% better each day?  I am going to break this into an easy three step process:

1.       Recognize the problem
2.       Make a plan
3.       Take action

Yes, I know that this sounds generic and much like how an engineer might solve it but that is my background so bear with me.

Recognizing the problem takes paying attention to your emotions.  For instance, if you tend to fight a lot with your ex because they give you parenting tips, the next time they do, I want you to stop before responding to them and just gage how you are feeling.  By observing your emotions, you will become more aware of them.  Once aware, you will be better able to create a plan on how to control them.  As you are observing your emotions there are some particular things to take note of.  First is the intensity of your emotion.  Does a certain topic or interaction with a specific person create more intense feelings in you than another?  Next, listen to your thoughts.  What kind of internal dialog do you have with yourself when you feel this way?  By understanding your internal dialog you will start to recognize common triggers (both positive and negative) that kickoff your dialog.  Often times these triggers come from your own dreams, fears, and issues.  Your ex may not be criticizing you as much as they are trying to help you.  But your fear of being judged or your fear of doing something wrong may be the real reason for your anger rather than what they actually said.  Last but not least, pay attention to how long you stay angry.  Does it take an hour or two to get over the comments your ex said or do you hang on to that anger even longer (days or weeks)?

Now that you have a better understanding of the internal dialog you have with yourself, you can start to change it for a more positive outcome.  Decide how you will either change the internal dialog with yourself or the reaction you have to the emotions.  Using the example above, you may decide to simply change your reaction.  Rather than make a snide comment about your ex’s parenting skills, you can respond with, “I will consider that and let you know if I decide to use it or not.”  For the most lasting and positive results, changing the emotion you feel in the situation is the best thing to do.  In order to do this,  it may require you to take some parenting classes to find out how successful parents manage their children’s behavior.  If you know you are doing your best and you feel your best is enough, then gaining more self-esteem may be all that you need to be able to disregard what they said so that you no longer need validation from them that you are doing a great job.

Self-esteem is something that you can only create for yourself.  If self-esteem is what you are lacking, then try this exercise that I found works for me.  I use it quite often just before I do a public speaking engagement.  Think about your experiences in life and remember a time when you felt empowered, confident, and in control.  Think about the smells in the room, the clothes you were wearing, the lighting of the room, and the emotions you were feeling.  As you think about this experience, take a deep breath and slowly release it.  When you are alone, do this exercise often.  Then slowly take the exercise out into public and envision yourself in that moment while remembering to breath.  Before you know it you will begin to feel this way when you slow down your breathing and take deep, purposeful breaths.  Then all you will need to do to feel empowered and self-confident is breath.

If that doesn’t work, then listen to Jewel’s Stronger Women song over and over until you can sing it to yourself without it playing.  It has been very empowering for me.  My favorite line is, “From now on I am going to be the kind of women I want my daughter to be.”

Once you have control over your emotions, you will be better suited to help your children learn to control their emotions which will help them in all aspects of their life (friends, school, work, marriage, and yes, even parenting).

I hope you enjoyed reading this week.  Until next time, good luck and God bless.
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    Michelle Rasmussen

    A single mother herself, has learned how to successfully raise strong, self reliant children that are sure to be assets to society.

    View my profile on LinkedIn

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