I have been inspired to write today about a situation that a dear friend of mine is going through.  It is a situation that I am sure that many of you have found yourself in.  She too is a single mother and this week she was cited for domestic violence against her ex-husband.  This is a man that is 6’4” and weighs around 210 pounds who is accusing a little 4’10”, 95 pound woman of assaulting him.  How could that be you ask?  Let me tell you what happened.

My friend went to her ex-husband’s home to pick up their 1 year old son at the end of his scheduled visitation.  When she arrived, he refused to give her their son so she started arguing with him.  This made him upset so he started hitting her.  My friend is a very strong willed person who will not take that kind of abuse from anyone so she pushed him.  Unfortunate for her, he had their son in his arms.  So when she called the police to try to get help getting her son back, they charged her with domestic violence rather than him. 

Sounds like injustice but I want you to stand back and think about something.  The real victim here is not the mother or the father.  The real victim is the little boy.  He doesn’t need to see his parents fighting over him or fighting period for that matter.  Granted, he is only a year old and he will not remember this incident but if they do not straighten up, he will remember others.  The authorities understand this all too well.  They see thousands of children every year that come from broken homes.  It is there job to protect the children as much as possible.  Therefore, if you are hit in the presence of your children and you hit back, it is highly likely that you too will be charged with domestic violence.  So don’t be stupid.  If someone hits you, do NOT hit them back.

Now you are likely asking, what do you do?  Here is the best advice I can possibly give you.  Fight back with your will and not your might.  Your will is your brain, your might is your body.  That means, if someone hits you, don’t hit them back especially in the presence of a child.  Instead, yell out, retreat, and get help.

Yelling out will get the attention of anyone around you.  In court you need proof of abuse in order to get a restraining order or any other kind of help from the authorities.  Believe me; it is not easy to get a restraining order.  You can make it easier if you have proof of what they did.  Make sure you get that proof by attracting the attention of anyone in the area.  An eyewitness is great proof if they are willing to speak on your behalf.  If they leave a bruise, document when the bruise showed up (it may be hours or days later) and take pictures.

Next, retreat.  Backing up a few feet may be all that is needed to get out of range.  However, I have seen abusive men in their rage and backing up a few feet is not always enough.  I know that it is hard as a mother to walk (or run) away from an abuser that has your child in their arms but you may have to.  I know that the only thing going through your head at that moment is the safety of your child.  But if you are not safe, how will you keep your child safe?  Take care of yourself first and get out of the situation.  As soon as you are safely in your car or the home of a neighbor or in a public location, call the authorities.  Let them go in after your child.  This is the hardest part because you have to trust in someone else to help you.  I have been there, I know how hard it is.

I am a very strong willed person and I thought that I could protect my children on my own just by leaving my ex-husband.  I was wrong.  After years of failing to prove in court what my ex is really like and the seriousness of the situation, I finally handed the situation over to God.  There were multiple times that I felt my children were not safe with their father and I wanted to run right over to his house and take them away.  But I knew that doing so would only work against me in court.  Instead I had to call on the police to help me.  Luckily, each time I did, they clearly saw that my children were not safe and they documented the situation and removed my children for me.  That documentation is what finally helped me to protect my children.  It took the police removing my children from their father’s home a couple of time before the courts could see for themselves the seriousness of the situation.  The point is that they finally realize that they are not safe with him and have put them under permanent supervised visitation (or until he gets help which will be never).

What pulled me though was patience and the love of my friends and family.  I had to endure years of the courts believing his lies but I knew that the only way to fight a liar is with the truth.  I had to collect evidence of the truth and so will you.  Gathering enough evidence does not happen overnight and you are going to get discouraged.  Just don’t give up.  Patience will pull you through.

If you continue to feel threatened each time you go to pick up your children, petition the courts to order the exchange with a third party.  My Ex-husband and I went through a local company for about a year that we paid to do the exchanges.  He would walk into the building on one side and I would drop the children off with a responsible adult on the other side.  We never had to speak to each other or even see each other.  Although I felt sick each time I had to let me children go with him, I at least felt safe and my children could sense it.  This made them feel more at ease and made the situation livable for the time.

One last bit of advice I can give you is to carry with you everywhere any court orders showing who has custody of your children and the visitation schedule.  That way, if you find yourself in my friend’s shoes, the police will be able to help you more.  Without that, you may not get your children back that day.  The police would simply document the incident and let the courts make a decision about what to do at your next court hearing.

Good luck and God bless.

In order to be a better mother, I look for things each day to improve.  One area that I know I need to improve is in allowing my stress to become my children’s stress.  No matter how hard I try to suppress how I am feeling, I always wear my emotions on my sleeve.  If I am tired, I get grumpy.  If I am hungry, I get grumpy.  If I am stressed, I get really grumpy.  In fact, it is so obvious that my children have started asking me if I have eaten anything yet if I get upset in the mornings when they are running late for the bus. 

Unfortunately, those are not the only times that I get grumpy.  If I feel like I am the only one that contributes to keeping the house clean, I get grumpy.  That is a key reason why I incorporated a chore chart in our daily routine.  As soon as my girls get home from school, they know exactly what two chores they are supposed to do.

For the most part, I am a pretty happy individual.  I always try to see the cup half full and looking for the good in everything.  However, the past couple of months, I have overspent my budget and I found myself more grumpy than usual.  I know that I am very blessed with the resources I need to keep my children fed and a roof over their heads so I should not allow having to dip into my savings account to stress me out.  But it does.  Money, or the lack there of, stresses most people out.

As I sit here and contemplate my life, I realize how great I have it.  I am fortunate enough to have a savings account to dip into.  So many people around our great country cannot say that.  My children get three square meals a day plus as many snacks as they want.  Yet 17 million American children go to bed hungry every night. Alexa von Tobel, Founder and CEO of LearnVest said it best, “Money isn’t about being rich, it is about being secure.”  I know that I am far more secure than many Americans. That alone helps reduce the stress I feel inside and allows me to let go of the angry feelings I harbor.  By letting go, I am able to be a better parent and keep my children from havign to experience my stress.

If your children are some of the 17 million going to bed hungry or you are worried that they will be part of that statistic soon, there is help.  Wonderful organizations like People Helping People are there to help you get on your feet. 

People Helping People is a non-profit organization “Strengthening Families through Successful Employment.”  They help people realize their earning potential and teach them how to get a job and move up in that job.  They do this through a series of completely free workshop where they teach interviewing skills, how to write a resume and cover letter, and how the game of work is played.  Once you complete a set number of workshops, they actually pair you up with a mentor (also free of charge) that will help you use the knowledge you gained to go after the jobs you want.  Last but not least, they bring employers into the mix and let you do real interviews with the companies they partner with.

I had the great opportunity to work with them as a mentor (taking a break currently to work on my degree).  As a mentor, I feel like I gained as much from the workshops as the clients I was helping.  If you are struggling to make ends meet, give them a call.  Even if you have a job, give them a call.  They can help you get notice at your current job and get promoted.  Even though they have designed their program for women, people of all gender, education and skill levels are welcome.

Another great resource to look into is LearnVest.  They have free tools that help you get your finances in order.  I love their latest article, “The Secret Reason Women Aren’t Getting Raises.”

If you already make great money, consider giving back some of the blessing you have been given by volunteering with a local no-profit like People Helping People.  I promise that it will be a very rewarding experience.  I know it was for me.

Resources to check out:
 People Helping People, http://www.phputah.org/ Call 801-583-5300 or Email info@phputah.org
LearnVest.com

My oldest daughter made me laugh last night as I was tucking her into bed.  She asked me if I would ever date again.  I said, “Of course I will.  Why would you ask that?”  She said, “I just really miss Daddy and I think it would be nice if we had a daddy in our family.”  I just had to smile and bare my testimony about prayer.

I told her, “I have a very strong testimony of prayer.  I know that the Lord has answered every single prayer I have ever prayed.  In the answers that I have received, I have noticed a pattern in my answers.  The first pattern that I noticed is that the Lord never says, “No.”  Second, the Lord answers with the same three answers each time.  The first answer is my favorite to receive because it is a resounding “Yes.”  It feels so good to ask for something and know that you get what you asked for right away.”

“The second answer is not nearly as fun to receive but a blessing just the same.  That answer is “not yet.”  I have received this answer a number of times and have finally learned to accept it and be thankful.  I remember when I was looking to buy a house.  For three years I searched for the right house for us.  I put in offer after offer, many of them full asking price, yet they were rejected.  Finally, two years ago, we bought this home.  It is truly the perfect home for us and I am so thankful that the Lord made me wait for the right one. “

“The last answer is my least favorite to receive but I am learning to appreciate it more each time I receive it because it holds the biggest blessings.  That answer is, “I have something better planned for you.”  I can tell you many instances that I have received this answer.  Looking back now, I can see clearly that the Lord has blessed me with something better.  Without fail it has always been better than I ever dreamed of.”

“I have prayed several times for the Lord to send us someone to complete our family.  And each time I date someone special, I ask the question, “Is he the one.”  So far the answer has been “Not yet.  I have something better planned for you.”

This made her smile for a second, and then she got a very serious look on her face and said, “I hope he doesn’t make us wait until I am 16.”  I just told her to let me worry about that and she should just worry about being a kid and having fun.  Worrying does not get you anywhere. 

In fact, when I was coming home from Saudi Arabia, I had the opportunity to stop in Ireland for a short layover and I found an Irish worry stone.  The packaging said, “There are only two things in life to worry about, you’re either healthy or you’re sick.  If you’re healthy, then there is nothing to worry about.  If you’re sick, there are only two things to worry about.  You’ll either get better or you won’t.  If you get better, then there is nothing to worry about.  If you don’t, then you have two things to worry about.  You’ll either live or you’ll die.  If you live, you have nothing to worry about.  If you die, there are only two things to worry about.  You’ll either go up or you’ll go down.  If you go up, there is nothing to worry about.  If you go down, you will be too busy shaking hands with old friends to worry about it.”

Whatever you are worrying about.  Stop worrying and start living. Until next time, God Bless!

I was talking to a friend of mine this week regarding my recent breakup and how hard my oldest daughter is taking it.  She asked me a great question.  She said, “Do you regret letting your girls get attached to (this guy).”  My answer to her was “Absolutely not.”  This really took her by surprise because I am of the strong opinion that it is hard enough on adults when a relationship ends so it is not fair to drag an innocent child into a relationship until you are fairly sure that you are in love and that love is reciprocated.  My friend is very aware of my opinion regarding this.  That is why my answer caught her so off guard. 

We often hear of women who use their children as a gage to know if the guy is worth keeping around. “If the kids don’t like them, then mama don’t like them.”  This is wrong on a couple different levels.  First, it desensitizes children to relationships leaving them unsure of what a healthy relationship should look and feel like.  Second, as children get older, they realize the control they have over their parent’s relationships and they use that control to keep their parent’s attention on them and only them.  That is not healthy for the parent or the child.

Take my cousin, for instance, who is also a single mother.  Unfortunately, she has a really hard time dating anyone for very long due to her temper and the way that she treats men.  The most unfortunate thing about this is that she introduces her 8 year old son to every single guy she dates.  The reason that it bothers me so much is that I watch this little boy, who wants nothing more than to have a father figure around, get more and more desensitized to love with each break-up.  By the time he is old enough to date, he will be so desensitized that he too will have a hard time holding any kind of a relationship together because he will not know what a healthy relationship looks like.

My mother used to get mad at me for not introducing my children to the men I date.  She did have a valid point though.  She said that by not introducing the men in my life to my children, I send my children the message that they are not important enough to meet them.  That is why I am so careful to tell my children all the time I will only bring home the dates I feel are worthy enough to spend time getting to know them.  That is a key reason why, in the six years that I have been single, my children have only met three of the men I have dated.  The first two people I let them meet only had limited contact with my children.

The first relationship that I involved them in was a long distance relationship.  I was always careful to schedule my boyfriend’s visits on weekends that my ex-husband had my girls.  Then one weekend that he was scheduled to be in town, I showed up at my ex’s house to drop off my girls and found him completely intoxicated.  At the time my girls were only 2 and 4 so there was no way that I could leave them with him that weekend.  I was disappointed at the time but it turned out to be a blessing because it forced me to introduce my children to the guy I was dating.  Although he was a great guy I decided that weekend that it just would not work out between us and ended the relationship after nearly a year of dating.  This meant that my children did not get to know him and were unaffected by the breakup.

The second guy that I let my children meet did not have to wait nearly a year to meet my children but I made sure that they did not spend much time with him and get attached.  He only spent time with them in group settings where there were a lot of people around.  This gave me the chance to see how he would be with them without them realizing what was going on.  Again, I tried to schedule my time with him when my Ex had my children.  The first 8 months together worked great because we had time alone and I had a free babysitter.  Then my ex was placed under supervised visitation again so I had to make a decision about whether I let my children become involved in the relationship or not.  Rather than rush into bringing them in, I decided to talk to the guy about it to get a feel for where he was with everything.  Fortunately, he brought up the subject first making the whole conversation a lot easier for me.  He asked me what I wanted out of the relationship and I informed him that I was hoping for marriage but did not expect it anytime soon.  I was willing to wait 5 years or so if that was what we needed for both of us to be sure it would work.  Then he informed me that he didn’t think he could raise someone else’s children or ever get married again.  It was then that I knew that not only should I not bring my children into the relationship but also that I could not be with him any longer.  We parted ways and have remained good friends ever since.

Knowing my history and my stance on protecting children as much as you can, my friend was surprised that I had no problem bringing my children into this last relationship.  She was even more surprised that I had no regrets letting my children get so attached to him even though my oldest daughter is having a very hard time with the relationship ending.  Of course, I never intended for them to get attached but I also never prevented them from getting attached like I did in the other relationships.  So she asked me, “What was different about (this guy)?”

The biggest difference was that my children needed this man in their lives and much as I did.  It had been 6 months since they had seen their father when I started dating him.  To no fault of their own or mine, their father decided that if he has to be supervised with his children during a visit, then he just does not want to see them.  Realizing how much they were hurting from his rejection, I started praying for the lord to send me someone to date. 

So when a friend of mine from high school reached out to me and said lets go skiing and bring your girls, I didn’t think twice about it.  I think it helped that at first I did not realize that it was a date.  I thought we were just meeting up as friends to catch up and have some fun.  When I got to the ski resort, however, he had already bought everything needed for the day.  He rented skis for my girls, bought their ski passes, and paid for their lunch and ski school.  When I exclaimed that I did not expect him to do all that, he said, “That is just what you do when you date a single mother.”  I really liked his initiative and his confidence. After watching him with his son and my girls, I knew immediately that he would be able to help me show my girls what a healthy relationship looks like.  In fact, when I told my mother about him I said, “Even if it does not work out, he is just what we need right now.”  Knowing that from the start made me much more comfortable with how much we did with our families. 

I am so thankful for the example he provided my children.  He was always thoughtful and considerate of my feelings.  He was good to apologize if he hurt my feelings.  He opened every door throughout the relationship (not just on the first few dates). He encouraged me to do more for myself and his strengths minimized my weaknesses.  That is how a man should treat a woman and I am glad that my children were able to see that first hand even if it was for a short while.

For the last 6 months I have to admit that I have been very flakey when it comes to this blog.  I know that in order to capture and keep readers’ attention, I need to be posting something on a weekly basis.  Unfortunately, life gets in the way.  You see, I have set some pretty strict priorities for myself and I will not let those priorities slide.  My priorities are:

1.       My children
2.       My career (in order to support my children)
3.       My education (in order to set the best example for my children and grow in my career)
4.       Friends and Family
5.       Everything else

Unfortunately, this blog falls into the everything else category.  So when I had the great fortune of starting to date someone very special six and a half months ago, something had to give.  In order to make time for this new person in my life, I had to take time away from something else.  Since I will not take time away from my children, this blog was what had to get set aside.  Now that the relationship is over I should be able to be more consistent in my posts.

In the end I asked myself, “Was this short lived relationship worth the cost?  How many readers did I lose by taking a break in order to nurture a domed relationship?”  My answer to that is, “It was well worth the cost!”  Although we were not meant for each other, I am thankful for the time we had together.  He was exactly what I needed at this time in my life.  You see, I had given up on dating and stopped even putting myself out there to date.  But one thing that I want to give my children more than anything is a father figure in their lives that will teach them and guide them and treat them as well as my step father treated me.  This man definitely filled that role.  He is the best father I have seen in many years and he treated my children better than I could have ever asked anyone to do.

In fact, about midway through our relationship, I started wondering if I was dating him for me or for my children.  Because I know that in order to truly have the relationship I want, I need to make sure he is first right for me, and second right for my children.  Then I went on a business trip in June and I took him with me and I realized we had more in common than just our children.  He is truly a great guy and a lot of fun to be around.  He made me laugh and feel young and alive again.  I haven’t felt that way in years.  I will miss his tickling and teasing and his gorgeous smile.  I will miss his words of encouragement when I get down on myself.  And I will miss going camping with him and playing outdoors.  I have to say, he set the bar pretty high for the next guy.  I feel sorry for anyone that has to follow him.  Luckily we left as friends and I will always be thankful for his friendship.

In order to find that very special someone that will complete my little family I will be required to date a lot of different men.  I will find losers and I will find winners but I will not give up looking.  Fortunately for you as my readers, I like good long breaks from dating after I break up with someone as special as this last guy was.  (I hate rebound dating because I feel like I am just leading both of us on.) That means that I will not likely be dating anyone new before I finish my MBA and PMP next June.  Therefore, even if I do find a new special someone, school will be done and I will have time for writing and dating.  At least that is my plan right now.  We’ll see how much God laughs at this plan.  He likes to mess with me and throw wrenches in most of my plans.  You’ll just have to keep checking in on a regular basis to see if God has started messing with me yet. Until next time….  Take care and God bless.