Last week I wrote about PRIDE skills.  The first of these skills is Praise.  After I wrote the article, I stumbled upon an article about praise and its effects on girls.  I have taken the liberty of re-posting it below because I found it so interesting.  I find this article to be very true, at least for me and my two girls.  I have such a tendency to give up on certain things if I feel the least bit of competition involved.  This is both true in my job and in my relationships.  After reading this article, I realize that it has everything to do with self-doubt.  Far too often I find myself doubting whether I am good enough or smart enough to have the relationships or success that I want and deserve.  So I end up sabotaging my own success.

Now that I have read this article, I vow to try to change that self-doubt within myself as well as do everything that I can to make sure my children do not develop the same doubt.  I think the key is to provide labeled praise that reinforces how hard they work to accomplish something rather than just tell them “Good Job!” or “Smart Girl!”  I know that I will have to make a conscious effort to remind them how much work they put into their homework in order to get good grades or how much practice it took to remember their gymnastics or Tae Kwan Do moves for their tournaments.  I am not saying that the change will be easy…. But it will definitely be worth it.

I hope you enjoy the article below as much as I did and look forward to your comments.

March 1_____________________________________________________________________

Successful women know only too well that in any male-dominated profession, we often find ourselves at a distinct disadvantage. We are routinely underestimated, underutilized and even underpaid. Studies show that women need to perform at extraordinarily high levels, just to appear moderately competent compared to our male coworkers.

But in my experience, smart and talented women rarely realize that one of the toughest hurdles they'll have to overcome to be successful lies within. Compared with our male colleagues, we judge our own abilities not only more harshly but fundamentally differently. Understanding why we do it is the first step to righting a terrible wrong. And to do that, we need to take a step back in time.

Chances are good that if you are a successful professional today, you were a pretty bright fifth grade girl. My graduate advisor, psychologist Carol Dweck (author of "Mindset") conducted a series of studies in the 1980s, looking at how Bright Girls and boys in the fifth grade handled new, difficult and confusing material.

She found that Bright Girls, when given something to learn that was particularly foreign or complex, were quick to give up; the higher the girls' IQ, the more likely they were to throw in the towel. In fact, the straight-A girls showed the most helpless responses. Bright boys, on the other hand, saw the difficult material as a challenge, and found it energizing. They were more likely to redouble their efforts rather than give up.

Why does this happen? What makes smart girls more vulnerable and less confident when they should be the most confident kids in the room? At the 5th grade level, girls routinely outperform boys in every subject, including math and science. So there were no differences between these boys and girls in ability, nor in past history of success. The only difference was how bright boys and girls interpreted difficulty -- what it meant to them when material seemed hard to learn. Bright Girls were much quicker to doubt their ability, to lose confidence and to become less effective learners as a result.

Researchers have uncovered the reason for this difference in how difficulty is interpreted, and it is simply this: More often than not, Bright Girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice.

How do girls and boys develop these different views? Most likely, it has to do with the kinds of feedback we get from parents and teachers as young children. Girls, who develop self-control earlier and are better able to follow instructions, are often praised for their "goodness." When we do well in school, we are told that we are "so smart," "so clever, " or "such a good student." This kind of praise implies that traits like smartness, cleverness and goodness are qualities you either have or you don't.

Boys, on the other hand, are a handful. Just trying to get boys to sit still and pay attention is a real challenge for any parent or teacher. As a result, boys are given a lot more feedback that emphasizes effort (e.g., "If you would just pay attention you could learn this," "If you would just try a little harder you could get it right.") The net result: When learning something new is truly difficult, girls take it as sign that they aren't "good" and "smart," and boys take it as a sign to pay attention and try harder.

We continue to carry these beliefs, often unconsciously, around with us throughout our lives. And because Bright Girls are particularly likely to see their abilities as innate and unchangeable, they grow up to be women who are far too hard on themselves -- women who will prematurely conclude that they don't have what it takes to succeed in a particular arena, and give up way too soon.

Even if every external disadvantage to a woman's rising to the top of an organization is removed -- every inequality of opportunity, every chauvinistic stereotype, all the challenges we face balancing work and family -- we would still have to deal with the fact that through our mistaken beliefs about our abilities, we may be our own worst enemy.

How often have you found yourself avoiding challenges and playing it safe, sticking to goals you knew would be easy for you to reach? Are there things you decided long ago that you could never be good at? Skills you believed you would never possess? If the list is a long one, you were probably one of the Bright Girls -- and your belief that you are "stuck" being exactly as you are has done more to determine the course of your life than you probably ever imagined. This would be fine, if your abilities were innate and unchangeable. Only they're not.

No matter the ability -- whether it's intelligence, creativity, self-control, charm or athleticism -- studies show them to be profoundly malleable. When it comes to mastering any skill, your experience, effort and persistence matter a lot. So if you were a Bright Girl, it's time to toss out your (mistaken) belief about how ability works, embrace the fact that you can always improve and reclaim the confidence to tackle any challenge that you lost so long ago.

About the author:
Heidi Grant Halvorson, PhD, is a motivational psychologist and researcher. She writes about the scientifically-tested strategies we can use to be more effective reaching our goals at work and in our personal lives. Her new book is "Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals" (Hudson Street Press). She is also the co-editor of the academic handbook, "The Psychology of Goals," a regular contributor to the BBC World Service's "Business Daily," an expert blogger for Fast Company and Psychology Today, and a guest blogger for Harvard Business Review. Her website is www.heidigranthalvorson.com.

Sorry it has been so long since my last post.  Life tends to get fairly busy sometimes and during spring and summer the outdoors scream my name, tempting me to go out and play.

I have been planning on writing on this topic since I started this blog and am excited to finally share it with you.  By far, the greatest blessing I have received is the opportunity to participate in PCIT due to the circumstances surrounding my divorce.  PCIT stands for Parent Child Interaction Therapy.  It is a two part, hands-on parent training program designed to teach parents how to deal effectively with extreme behavior problems that stem from abuse.  You see, children who are abused tend to take out their anger on the non-abusive parent.  It is as if the child is saying, “Why didn’t you protect me?”

When I was pregnant with my youngest daughter, my oldest daughter started biting, hitting, and kicking me with all her mite.  I just chalked it up to jealousy of the new baby on the way.  When the hitting never stopped, I blamed myself for not being a stronger parent.  Thank goodness that the doctors at Safe and Healthy Families recognized the real problem and recommended that we participate in PCIT.

The critical goal of PCIT is to increase positive, nurturing interactions between parents and their children.  PCIT helps to increase parents' behavior management skills and children’s pro-social behaviors through two phases.  The first phase is Child Directed Interaction (CDI) where parents let the children lead play therapy sessions while learning PRIDE skills.  The second phase is the Parent-Directed Interaction (PDI) where parents have the opportunity to learn and practice effective discipline skills.

This week I want to focus on the Child Directed Interaction piece and PRIDE skills.  PRIDE stands for:

Praise
Reflect
Imitate
Describe
Enthusiasm

Praise increases a child’s self-esteem, lets them know exactly what behavior that you like, and increases the behavior that it follows.  Labeled praise is the most effective because it lets your child know exactly what you like.  For instance, saying something like, “You’re being so careful to cut only paper with those scissors.” Is much more effective that simply saying, “Good job!”  Praise makes both parent and child feel good and adds warmth to the interaction.

Reflection is repeating or paraphrasing what your child says.  If a child holds up a crayon and says, “This is blue.” A parent might respond with, “Yes, that is a blue crayon.”  This lets your children know that you are really listing to them.  In fact, it helped me learn to listen to my children better.  It also lets your child know that you understand and accept what they are saying.  I remember how awkward it felt at first but after a while it became natural for me to repeat what my children were saying.  I even found myself repeating  what my co-worker were saying which helped me at work as well.

Imitate means to do the same thing your child is doing.  This allows your child to feel like they are leading the play and makes it fun for them.  It shows that you approve of the type of activity they have decided upon and gets you playing on their development level.  It is a great way to teach your child how to play well with others by encouraging taking turns.  Again, being specific is the key to success.  It your child decides to draw a tree, you want to copy the picture that they are attempting to draw by also drawing a tree.

Describe is stating exactly what your child is doing.  It is like you get to become the sports announcer giving the play by play of everything your child does.  Just like imitating your child, describing what they are doing lets them know that you are paying attention to them and that they are leading the play session.  Children like to know that you approve of what they are doing.  Describing also helps hold your child’s attention to the task they are doing and teaches them how to hold their own attention to a task.

Enthusiasm shows your child that you are excited to be playing with them and increases the warmth of your play.  Everyone has more fun if you let your voice show how excited you are to be there.

The thing that I loved most about PCIT is that it used all three learning models to drive home the learning objectives.  I know all too well as a corporate trainer that people only remember 20% of what they hear, 30% of what they see, and 50% of what they see and hear.  However, when you add a bit of practice to that, they are more likely to remember 80% of what they see, hear, and do.  During Phase I, I would learn one of the PRIDE skills per week then go home and practice just that one skill.  Then when we went back to class, we would spend time playing together to show that I had mastered that skill.  If I had not mastered the skill of the week, we would work on it during class and then go home and practice it again for a week until I could pass it off.  What I found is that if I spent at least 5 minutes every night playing with my daughter one on one and practicing just one skill, I did much better.  The key though was to make sure that I had no distractions.  I had to force myself to turn off the TV, and ignore ringing phones, laundry buzzers letting me know it was time to change laundry, and many other regular duties that I had to accomplish.  I had to find a balance between spending enough time on my house work and spending enough time with my children.  The time spent with my children was by far worth the little bit dirtier house that I ended up with.

By the end of Phase I, I was singing PCIT praises and telling all my friends about it.  I truly think that every parent should have the opportunity to go through this type of program before their children develop behavior problems.  In fact, I would love to go through it again; this time with my youngest child.

I hope you enjoyed reading this week.  Definitely let me know if you try any of the skills listed here and how they work out for you.