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If You Believe That You Can Do It, Then You Can

4/26/2014

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By: Michelle Rasmussen

A few months ago, one reader reached out to me asking for help. She said that her husband is so abusive that she lost a child a couple years ago to suicide. This loss made her open her eyes and realize that she needed to get out. So she started taking steps to do so. As she did, her husband became more controlling. He started refusing to let her hang out with friends without him. He refused to let her go grocery shopping or run any other errands. Instead he insisted on doing all the errands. At the same time, he decided it was time to get rid of their second car. He said that since she did not work, there was no reason to have two vehicles. The truth of the matter is that he did not want her to have a way to run. She began to think there was no way to win and so she stopped trying. That same month that she gave up on herself, her second child gave up on life by committing suicide.  Now she has one child left and is more determined than ever to get out and spare her last child the pain that the first two suffered. The problem is, she does not know where to start.

I have contemplated this woman’s plea for help for quite some time. It has weighed heavily on my heart. I want more than anything to help this woman but I also know that until she is ready to help herself, no one else can help her. I learned this lesson the hard way when I gave a woman a safe place to live only to have her give her abuser a key to the place shortly after. Within a week, she called to inform me that the nine foot sliding glass door was broken and she had no way to secure it. I did not have to ask what had happened, I already knew. I watch the cycle repeat itself far too often.

That is the biggest problem with domestic abuse. Abusers often isolate their victims and make them feel as though there is no hope… there is no way to break free... that no one can help them. Abusers make us believe that we need them to survive. They beg for forgiveness and swear that they will change. We want so much to believe them, to have hope, that we give them second, third, and forth chances (often many more). They tell us that it is our fault that they act the way that they do… and we believe them.

As I lay in bed contemplating life this morning, I realized that an article I wrote for my company’s motivational article in the company newsletter is the thing that might help this woman more than anything else I could say to her right now. So here it is:
Have you ever been given a task and thought to yourself, “There is no way that I can do this, I’m not skilled in that area.” I am confident that we have all said that at some point in our careers. The question is, did you tell your manager that you cannot do it, or did you find a way to do it?

I have a confession to make, I am currently working in an area where I am very weak. In school, my worst subjects were spelling and English. I really struggled to pass any writing course I have ever taken. In fact, I would list writing as my weakest area of expertise. Anyone that has had the misfortune of having to review one of my books before it went to my editor can attest to that. To top it off, I only type about 45 words per minute.

Now that you know the truth about me, you might be asking yourself, “Why in the world is Michelle writing courseware for ASCENT if it is her weakest area of expertise.”

The simplest answer to that question is that I have never let something stop me from succeeding. I am the only person that can determine what I can and cannot do. If I decide that I want to do something, I just do it. If I do not have the expertise, I make sure that I gain them. Fortunately, I have been very blessed to be surrounded by a great team of people who have helped make me a better writer. Everyone from reviewers who critique my writing style, to editors that make sure I spell things correctly and use proper grammar, to managers that keep me focused and on schedule.

Many tasks take a team to get the job done. But even with the best team in the world, self-doubt can cripple the most skilled individual. So the next time you are given a task to complete that falls outside your area of expertise, do not let it stop you from completing it. Rather than tell yourself, “There is no way I can get this done.” Ask yourself, “How am I going to get this done?”

This simple question can help you in your professional life as well as your personal life. In fact, it helped me create exactly what I was looking for, for two years. I really wanted a table behind my couch that would allow me to display my military memorabilia while also acting as a stand for my lamp. After searching high and low for two years, I came to the realization that what I wanted did not exist. So, even though I have zero carpentry skills, I decided to build the table myself. Instead of giving up on my vision, I decided to create it. Here is the result. This table serves as proof that you can do anything you put your mind to.

I know that you are probably thinking to yourself, believing in yourself at work is so much different than believing in your ability to break free from an abuser. But I promise you this... the first step you need to take in order to break the chains that bind you is believing in yourself. I’m not going to pretend that it is an easy step. In fact, it is the hardest step in the process. How can you believe in yourself when you have someone you love telling you that you can’t… telling you that you are worthless… telling you that you that it is all your fault? I know from personal experience that it is not easy. It took time for me to break free as well. But the moment you change your mind and start believing in the possibilities… that is the moment that life begins. That is the moment when others can begin to help you.

I believe in you! You just need to believe in yourself.
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Happy New Year! What are you resolving to do this year?

12/31/2011

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Each year at this time, I make my New Year’s resolutions.  This tradition dates all the way back to 153 B.C.  Though no one knows exactly when or why this tradition was started, it continues as more and more people make resolutions to improve their lives in some form or fashion.

I used to just make a resolution to visit somewhere that I have never been before but with the high price of school as I work of getting my MBA, traveling is out of the question this year.  So, I have decided to go with a more traditional resolution this year and make a goal that I can work on throughout the year.  This year, my resolutions involve getting the 501(c)(3) status for Village of Life finalized so that we can move forward with our goals of helping others.  I also plan to finish my MBA by October and spend as much time outdoors with my children as I can fit in.  In order to complete the first two goals, I will need to hunker down and put my nose to the grind stone.  I expect the feeling I will receive when I have successfully completed both will be well worth the long hours and hard work that it will take.

Although many people have good intentions when they start working on their resolutions, did you know that less than 50% of those that make a resolution are still maintaining it after 6 months?  That begs the question: How do you insure that you will follow through with your resolution and reach your goal?  Although you are the only one that can insure that you stick to any goal you make, here are some simple steps to help you along the way.

1.       Decide exactly what you want.
2.       Write it down. 
3.       Multiply the expectation.
4.       Set a deadline for your goal.
5.       Do something every day.

Step 1, decide exactly what you want.  Being precise in what you want will help you visualize it and know exactly where you are headed.  It also attracts what you want to you.  The first time I heard about this principle I thought it was rubbish but then I decided to test it out.  Three years ago I wrote down exactly what I want in my dream man.  I wrote down every attribute from character traits and values to the way he looks.  I was amazed to meet someone with 98% of what I had written down this past year.  So now I keep adding to the list and have separated it into two lists: 1) must have attributes and 2) would be nice to have attributes. ( I will be sure to let you know how my new lists work out for me.)

Step 2, write it down.  USA Today reported on a study a few years ago.  First researchers selected people who made New Year’s resolutions.  Then they divided these people into two categories: 1) those who made New Year’s resolutions and wrote them down, and 2) those who made New Year’s resolutions, but neglected to write them down. Twelve months later, they followed up on the respondents in the study.  What they found was astonishing!  Of the people who made New Year’s resolutions but neglected to write them down, only 4% actually followed through on their resolutions.  However, among the group that took a few minutes to record their New Year’s resolutions, 44% followed through on them.  This difference of more than 1100% proves the simple act of crystallizing resolutions or goals on paper increases the likelihood of success.

Step 3, multiply the expectation.  To multiply the expectation means to tell others what you are going to do.  This creates more accountability to insure that you will follow through.  If you tell people what you are going to do, they will be watching to see if you actually do it or not.  It also creates a great support system because when you decide to give up, someone will step in and provide the encouragement you need to keep going.  I remember when I was 17, a friend of mine wanted to go bungee jumping.  I didn’t have the desire to do it but she begged me to go with her.  Since I wasn’t 18, I had to have my mother’s permission.  In asking my mother, she said I wouldn’t do it.  I told her, “If you sign the paper, I will do it.”  When I got there I got suited up… I rode all the way to the top and was ready to jump, and what should happen?  I looked down and I chickened out.  My friend reminded me of what I had said to my mother to encourage me.  Then the crowd below multiplied the expectation by starting to count down from 10.  If I did not have my friend or the crowd there cheering me on, I would not have done it.  But I did do it and I loved it…. all because I had a crowd of people encouraging me to do what I had set out to do.

Step 4, set a deadline for your goal.  Without a deadline, you will be tempted to put off getting started or if you do start, you will be tempted to take it slower than you should.  One thing I like to do is not just set a goal but to also set intermediate goals or milestones.  This helps me stay on track for big goals that take a lot of time (like my education).

Step 5, do something every day.  Deadlines have a way of creeping up quietly and then pouncing you with their urgency.  So here is a simple tactic to overcome procrastination.  Work for 6 hours on the things that are due in the next 6 days.  Then, allocate the remainder of your time to projects that are due in the next 6 months.  An African proverb says, “Little by little, the cotton thread becomes a loincloth.”  For me, one class at a time is getting me closer each term to finishing my Master’s degree.

Your brain has both a success mechanism and a failure mechanism.  The failure mechanism is the temptation to follow the undisciplined path of least resistance, to do what is fun and easy rather than what is hard and necessary.  Your failure mechanism triggers automatically throughout your life, which is the major reason why most people fail to fulfill their individual potentials.  When you decide upon a goal, you override your failure mechanism and change the direction of your life.  So take the step now and tell us all what your resolution is for 2012 and we will be here to encourage you to reach it.
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    Michelle Rasmussen

    A single mother herself, has learned how to successfully raise strong, self reliant children that are sure to be assets to society.

    View my profile on LinkedIn

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