It has been six and a half years since I left my husband.  When I left, my youngest daughter was only four months old.  So I never thought that I would have to talk to my youngest daughter about what happened in my marriage.  I thought that since all she has ever known is two separate homes that she would be oblivious to the pains of divorce that many kids feel who knew what it was like to have both parents in one home.  Unfortunately I was wrong.  No matter how old or young children are when you become separated, they are affected.  The affects may show up right away or they may creep up years later when you least expect it.  That is why I am so thankful for the many books about divorce that have been written to help children deal with the feelings they are experiencing.  Right now, I am reading “Don’t Make Me Smile” by Barbara Park with my youngest because she has started asking why I got divorced rather than stay married like I am supposed to… “like they teach at church.” 

That is such a hard question to answer when you really can not share the specifics of what happened.  So rather than focus our discussions on what happened to make me pack up and leave, I focus our discussions on trying to understand what she is feeling.  She doesn’t really want to listen to me bad talk her father.  She loves her father.  The most wonderful thing about children is their unconditional love.  I don’t want to take that away from her.  So I ask her questions about what she thinks a family should look like.  She of course tells me about the families they talk about in church where the mom and dad live in the same home and the mother stays home to care for the children and the father goes out into the workforce so he can provide everything the family wants and needs.  Then I ask her about her friends’ families and how many of them are like the ideal families we talk about in church.  I am trying to help her understand that there is always an ideal and then there is reality.  I want her to know that it is good to shoot for the ideal but that it is ok if we get side tracked a little by reality.

 It is important to teach kids that not everything in life turns out the way we planned but that doesn’t mean that we stop planning.  Planning sets the direction of our life.  Being flexible when our plans do not work out sets our strength in life.  I like what Dr. Charles Fay said in this week’s Love and Logic news letter. “Shielding them from all of life's hardships sends the message that they aren't strong enough to cope with their losses. Loving them through their sadness allows them to win every time they lose.”

I hope you enjoyed reading this week.  Until next time, God bless!

Yesterday we celebrated the life of an angle.  Melynda Thomas was a mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend.  Every life that she touched has been changed forever.  There are three lives that were changed more than most; the lives of her three girls.  My friend Melynda passed away last week leaving her husband the single father of three adorable young ladies.  These girls are her legacy.  I feel blessed beyond measure for having the chance to know her even if it was for a brief moment in time.  She exemplified the kind of mother I inspire to be.  Her passion for life, lack of fear, and love and acceptance for everyone she met are just a few of the traits that I admired so much about her.  Her daughters are just like her and so she lives on through them. 

The first time I met Melynda was a few days before my oldest daughter’s birthday a year and a half ago. We were so excited to have new neighbors with young girls that we invited them to the birthday party the following week.  I did not expect them to bring a gift. My intention was to just give them a chance to meet their neighbors and become good friends with my girls.  They did not bring a gift, they brought 4.  Each of her girls scavenged their rooms for little trinkets that they thought my daughter would enjoy and Melynda brought us some of her pickled green beans that she had canned herself.  Some children might have turned up their noses at such gifts but I remember Kaleigh telling me that night as I tucked her in bed that her favorite gifts were the homemade gifts that the Thomas girls had given her.  She knew as well as I did that they gave those gifts with love and the love they shared with us was the most precious gift of all.  It was precious because it was so pure just like Melynda.  Anyone that met Melynda could testify to that.

As I sat there at her funeral yesterday, listening to her family recall their favorite memories of Melynda, I was most impressed by the stories told by her sister-in-law Debbie.  Two that stand out to me are about how selfless she taught her children to be.  Through her example, they have made choices in their lives that many adults would not even make. 

The first was about her sweet Maya.  When Maya was in preschool, Melynda noticed an empty bag of bread in Maya’s backpack one day when she returned home from school.  She asked Maya why she had it in there.  Her answer was simple, “I didn’t want anyone to be hungry today.”  If we all took on that attitude, I wonder how many fewer children would go to bed hungry tonight.

The next is about her sweet Macie.  Macie used to have a little stuffed kitten that she carried with her everywhere she went.  She loved that little kitten so much.  One day Debbie found her own little girl carrying the kitten around after visiting with Melynda and her family.  You see, Macie loved her cousin so much that she chose to give her cousin her most prized possession.  I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time getting my girls to give up the toys they no longer play with let alone their absolute favorite toy.  It is the selfless acts of love that Melynda practiced daily that impressed upon her children the joy of giving.

It wasn’t just gifts that Melynda gave.  She gave all of herself to everything she did and she did it without fear or complaint.  A few years ago, Melynda was in a bike accident that left her with a pretty bad back injury.  That injury caused her to develop blood clots which ended up passing through her brain and causing her to have a stroke.  That stroke left her with a number of struggles that she was bound and determined to overcome.  Though she had a hard time speaking and stuttered quite a bit from the stroke, she still went out into the world and shared her story with countless others in the hopes of giving them hope.  Though she had a hard time walking and had to use crutches, she still got back on her bike.  At first, she could not even put her foot down to hold herself up if she had to stop but that did not stop her.  No matter how many times or how hard she fell down, she got right back up again.  Nothing was going to get in her way of living and loving life.  Even with the struggles she had been through and the struggles she still had to face, she radiated a light brighter than anyone I have ever met.  If I ever grow up, I want to be just like my friend Melynda.  Rest in peace my friend.