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If You Believe That You Can Do It, Then You Can

4/26/2014

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By: Michelle Rasmussen

A few months ago, one reader reached out to me asking for help. She said that her husband is so abusive that she lost a child a couple years ago to suicide. This loss made her open her eyes and realize that she needed to get out. So she started taking steps to do so. As she did, her husband became more controlling. He started refusing to let her hang out with friends without him. He refused to let her go grocery shopping or run any other errands. Instead he insisted on doing all the errands. At the same time, he decided it was time to get rid of their second car. He said that since she did not work, there was no reason to have two vehicles. The truth of the matter is that he did not want her to have a way to run. She began to think there was no way to win and so she stopped trying. That same month that she gave up on herself, her second child gave up on life by committing suicide.  Now she has one child left and is more determined than ever to get out and spare her last child the pain that the first two suffered. The problem is, she does not know where to start.

I have contemplated this woman’s plea for help for quite some time. It has weighed heavily on my heart. I want more than anything to help this woman but I also know that until she is ready to help herself, no one else can help her. I learned this lesson the hard way when I gave a woman a safe place to live only to have her give her abuser a key to the place shortly after. Within a week, she called to inform me that the nine foot sliding glass door was broken and she had no way to secure it. I did not have to ask what had happened, I already knew. I watch the cycle repeat itself far too often.

That is the biggest problem with domestic abuse. Abusers often isolate their victims and make them feel as though there is no hope… there is no way to break free... that no one can help them. Abusers make us believe that we need them to survive. They beg for forgiveness and swear that they will change. We want so much to believe them, to have hope, that we give them second, third, and forth chances (often many more). They tell us that it is our fault that they act the way that they do… and we believe them.

As I lay in bed contemplating life this morning, I realized that an article I wrote for my company’s motivational article in the company newsletter is the thing that might help this woman more than anything else I could say to her right now. So here it is:
Have you ever been given a task and thought to yourself, “There is no way that I can do this, I’m not skilled in that area.” I am confident that we have all said that at some point in our careers. The question is, did you tell your manager that you cannot do it, or did you find a way to do it?

I have a confession to make, I am currently working in an area where I am very weak. In school, my worst subjects were spelling and English. I really struggled to pass any writing course I have ever taken. In fact, I would list writing as my weakest area of expertise. Anyone that has had the misfortune of having to review one of my books before it went to my editor can attest to that. To top it off, I only type about 45 words per minute.

Now that you know the truth about me, you might be asking yourself, “Why in the world is Michelle writing courseware for ASCENT if it is her weakest area of expertise.”

The simplest answer to that question is that I have never let something stop me from succeeding. I am the only person that can determine what I can and cannot do. If I decide that I want to do something, I just do it. If I do not have the expertise, I make sure that I gain them. Fortunately, I have been very blessed to be surrounded by a great team of people who have helped make me a better writer. Everyone from reviewers who critique my writing style, to editors that make sure I spell things correctly and use proper grammar, to managers that keep me focused and on schedule.

Many tasks take a team to get the job done. But even with the best team in the world, self-doubt can cripple the most skilled individual. So the next time you are given a task to complete that falls outside your area of expertise, do not let it stop you from completing it. Rather than tell yourself, “There is no way I can get this done.” Ask yourself, “How am I going to get this done?”

This simple question can help you in your professional life as well as your personal life. In fact, it helped me create exactly what I was looking for, for two years. I really wanted a table behind my couch that would allow me to display my military memorabilia while also acting as a stand for my lamp. After searching high and low for two years, I came to the realization that what I wanted did not exist. So, even though I have zero carpentry skills, I decided to build the table myself. Instead of giving up on my vision, I decided to create it. Here is the result. This table serves as proof that you can do anything you put your mind to.

I know that you are probably thinking to yourself, believing in yourself at work is so much different than believing in your ability to break free from an abuser. But I promise you this... the first step you need to take in order to break the chains that bind you is believing in yourself. I’m not going to pretend that it is an easy step. In fact, it is the hardest step in the process. How can you believe in yourself when you have someone you love telling you that you can’t… telling you that you are worthless… telling you that you that it is all your fault? I know from personal experience that it is not easy. It took time for me to break free as well. But the moment you change your mind and start believing in the possibilities… that is the moment that life begins. That is the moment when others can begin to help you.

I believe in you! You just need to believe in yourself.
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People Helping People is Expanding to Utah County

9/4/2012

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 Three years ago, my children and I moved to Utah County from Salt Lake County.  Doing so made it more difficult for me to mentor single mothers at People Helping People in Salt Lake.  Recently I found out that they are expanding into Utah County which will make it much easier for me to work with them again.  It is very exciting because I know all the good they have done in Salt Lake County and now I will be able to be a part of something great again.

You may be asking the question, “What makes them so great?”  Before I answer that question, let me tell you a bit about why they exist.  People Helping People is dedicated to reducing the number of children living in poverty by teaching low-income women, primarily single mothers, how to earn a living wage.  So what is a living wage?  A living wage is calculated off of the self-sufficiency standard which is calculated according to where you live and takes into account how many people are living in your home, housing costs, food, taxes, and other essential living expenses.  The self-sufficiency standard for Utah can be found here: http://www.selfsufficiencystandard.org/docs/Utah%202001.pdf. 
What it says is that, assuming you have an average size family with three children, and you are a single parent, you would need to earn $46,000 per year in order to sustain your little family without the help of government programs, church, or family assistance.

Unfortunately, there are over 6,000 single moms in Utah County and 75% of them and their children live below the self-sufficiency standard.  Half of this group (38%) live below the poverty line.  That is why I am so excited that People Helping People is expanding into Utah County.  PHP’s Employment Program offers a unique, long term, one-on-one approach that teaches women how to get a good job, and seek and receive pay raises and promotions. In other words, they teach these women how to play the game of work.  

Utah is well known for its stay at home wife and mother population.  It is also getting better known for it’s rising divorce rates.  So it just makes sense to teach women how to earn a good living and be self-sufficient.  If you or someone you know is a single mother and could benefit from learning what People Helping People has to offer, please join us on October 3rd or 17th for a program overview.  After which, workshops will be held each Wednesday starting in October at Utah Valley University (UVU) at 723 S. 1200 W. in Orem.  Other dates are listed in the image below.  To quote Kayleen Simmons, “If you have to work, you may as well make it pay.”  Join us to learn how.

Utah County PHP Schedule
For more informaiton about People Helping People or to see schedules for Salt Lake and Weber Counties, go to: http://www.phputah.org/ or call Marva Sadler at 1.855.303.5300 or email her at marva@phputah.org
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How to Break Free

2/19/2011

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Last week I wrote about how I became a single parent and what keeps me going strong each day.  This week I want to focus on the steps I took to break free and the mistakes I made along the way so that you do not have to make the same mistakes.

Step number one is gathering the strength you need to walk out.  My strength came from believing that leaving would make my life and my children’s lives better.  Then I convinced myself that I could make it on my own.  This is probably the hardest step because we have been programed for so long to believe that we cannot make it… that we need the person that is beating us down each day to survive.  In actuality, that breaking you down is giving you strength and endurance like no other.  I know that statement sounds ridiculous so let me put in a side story to help you understand what I mean.

Almost right out of high school, I joined the Air Force.  Friends and family laughed and ridiculed me because they did not think that I could make it through basic training.  To be honest, I was not sure I could either.  I was a skinny, knobby kneed little girl that was scared of her own shadow.  I would burst into tears if someone even looked at me cross.  I knew that it would not be easy but I was willing to try so that I could have the means to pay for college.  Once I got to basic training, I found that I flourished.  You see…. the military beats you down during basic training so that they can turn around and build you up in the image that they need you to be.  They need you to have strength and endurance so that if you should go to war, you will have the strength needed to come home in one piece.  I believe that the Lord gives you trials because he knows you have the strength inside to overcome them, he just needs you to realize it as well.  These trials build you up and prepare you for what is ahead.  The longer you have been in an abusive relationship, the stronger you will be when you finally break free.  I am not saying that it is easy… but the best things in life never are.

Even after leaving, I had to continually convince myself that I can do it on my own.  Each morning for three years, I looked in the mirror and told myself that I am strong enough, smart enough and worth enough before I started believing it.  It helped that I had a lot of friends and family rooting for me all along the way. 

*Note:  If you are not the one in a violent relationship but have someone you love who is, the best help you can give them is words of encouragement to keep moving forward.  I have heard that we need 7-10 positive words to outweigh the negative ones.  As a friend or loved one, you have your work cut out for you.

Before you leave, make sure that you are amply prepared to do so.  The first mistake that I made was not gathering (or presenting) proof that would help me protect my children easier.  Let me elaborate a bit… The last year I was with my husband, I kept a journal about the problems we had in our marriage.  I started the journal as a way of releasing some of the things I was keeping completely inside.  Outside of my journal, I only told one person about the things going on in my home.  My own family did not have a clue what my daughter had accused my husband of or the drugs I knew that he was on.  I was too ashamed to tell anyone but my best friend about what my daughter had said.  When the Department of Child and Family Services (DCFS) worker asked me if I had a journal or if I had told anyone else what was going on, I did not have the courage to tell her yes because she asked me in front of my husband.  I was much more concerned about how angry he would get and the rath that would come after she left than proving I was telling the truth.  Instead I trusted that the DCFS worker would write in her report that he admitted to doing drugs and that he admitted my daughter had accused him of this unthinkable act right in front of him. The lesson learned here is that you have to gather enough evidence and present it to the authorities so that they can do their job.  Some of that evidence might include keeping a journal of violent incidences, medical records, and a list of witnesses who may be able to speak on your behalf.  If you have experienced physical abuse, pictures of your cuts and bruises are vital.  Do not hesitate to go to the emergency room right after being attacked.  It is going to be your word against theirs’ if you do not gather the proper evidence.

Other things that are vital are important documents like birth certificates, driver’s license, pass ports, and important phone numbers.  Gather them and put them in a safe place where you can grab them quickly if you should have to leave before you plan to.

A few  of the things that I did right were: 1) find a place to live and leave without confronting my husband, 2) apply for a restraining order on my children’s behalf, 3) never give up doing everything that I can  to protect them, 4) learn to seek the help of others.

1)      I was extremely fortunate to find a great place in a safe neighborhood that I could afford.  Before actually moving, I spent two weeks cleaning and arranging clothes and household items that I would need so that I could pack them quickly.  I also arranged to have movers pack and move everything we could in one day while my husband was at work.  I knew all too well that anything I left would be ruined as soon as he noticed we were gone so I told the movers to take everything that looked like it belonged to me or my children.  Then I returned anything that was actually his a few months after leaving when I felt safe enough to hand it to him.

2)      The day before I moved out, I spent the day at the courthouse getting a restraining order to protect my children.  With the restraining order, I was able to have police stand guard while I packed everything my children and I would need to get by in our new home.  This gave me the sense of security that I needed so that I could pack more efficiently. (If you are constantly in a state of fight or flight, your mind does not think as clearly and you tend to miss a lot of things.)

3)      I never gave up.  For the last five years, I have fought to keep my children safe.  I have spent a lot of time and money in and out of court trying to prove that my children need to visit their father under the protection of a professional supervisor.  I have succeeded multiple times in getting supervised visitation ordered only to have it revoked a few months to a year later because he refused to visit with my girls with a supervisor present.  The courts seem to believe that a bad father is better for my children than no father at all.  In 2008, when I succeeded in getting supervised visitations ordered, I was dating someone whom I cared about a great deal.  When I no longer had full weekends without my children, he realized that staying with me would mean raising someone else’s children.  He was not ready for that.  It would have been easy for me to give in and let my ex-husband have unsupervised visitation so that I could be with this man but I knew that my children needed supervised visitation more than I needed a man in my life.  I also realized that the only man for me is one that is willing and able to help me raise my children in a healthy and loving home.

4)      Before even leaving, I had my daughter in counseling.  As part of that, I had the opportunity to go through Parent Child Interaction Training (PCIT).  This by far was the best thing that could have happened for my children and me.  PCIT gave me parenting skills that I would not have thought to gain otherwise.  It also brought me and my children much closer than would have been possible without it.

I am just now realizing how long this post is getting so I will cut it short.  There are a number of other steps you will want to consider taking according to Dr. Phil. A full list of them is below.

·         If you are in immediate danger, call the police.
·         Develop an escape plan which does not include confronting your abuser.
·         Contact your local battered women’s shelter, and know about laws and resources available to you before a  crisis. 
·         Keep evidence of physical abuse.
·         Keep a journal of all violent incidences.
·         Take important phone numbers.
·         Gather important documents — medical records, birth certificates, driver's license.
·         If injured, go to the doctor, report what happened and document the visit.
·         Plan with your children, and identify a safe place for them to go for help.
·         Try to set money aside.
·         Pack an extra set of clothing for yourself and your children.
·         Request police standby or an escort to the shelter.
If you need immediate assistance do not hesitate to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 (800) 799-SAFE (7233).

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain." - Vivian Greene
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    Michelle Rasmussen

    A single mother herself, has learned how to successfully raise strong, self reliant children that are sure to be assets to society.

    View my profile on LinkedIn

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