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Your Children Are Watching

1/2/2013

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By Michelle Rasmussen

After entering a building you hold the door open for the next person about to come through just after you. Your children are watching.  A child at the table next to you in a restaurant drops their toy over the back of your seat into your booth and you hand it back to them with a smile. Your children are watching. You are out shoveling the snow off your driveway and sidewalk and decide to help your neighbor by also taking care of their walks.  Your children are watching.  You watch a mother try to carry her groceries across a busy parking lot while holding the hand of an out of control toddler who causes her to drop everything in her arms and it scatters all over the parking lot.  Rather than walk by, without a word you stop to help her gather the scatter items, put them back in the bags, and into her arms.  Your children are watching.


I’m sure that we all recognize that setting examples of showing empathy towards others teaches our children to understand others, appreciate differences, and be caring as they notice others in need.  Teaching our children empathy helps them learn to stand in other people’s shoes.  But did you know that the way we allow others to treat us determines how our children will allow others to treat them? 
 
Think about this, when a young child watches their parent get hurt repeatedly by someone they love, it teaches the child that a person does not love you unless they hurt you. When a person cheats on their significant other and their children are aware of the infidelity, the children often grow up to cheat on their significant other or they continually end up with people that cheat on them.  Our children watch our every move. Even when we think they are unaware of what is really going on, they are watching.  They pick up on so much more than we give them credit for. So when they hear you tell a lie about where you have been or they watch you allow someone to lie to you, you are teaching them that lying is ok.  As they become teenagers, you might find them lying to you.  How you respond to those lies will set the stage and often determine if or how long the lies will continue.

I want to challenge you to make a New Year’s resolution right now to become the type of person you want your children to be. Because they are watching and one day, they will inevitably make the same mistakes you are making right now unless you do something about it.  As you resolve to do better, keep in mind that it will not be something
you can change overnight. The goal should be to become 1% better each day, not 100% better in one day.  From time to time you are going to stumble and you are going to fall.  Each time you do, pick yourself up and try again.  Don’t feel like you need to hide your failures from your children, let them learn from them just like you are.  Hopefully then they will not have to go through the same experiences to learn the same lessons.  

An old Japanese proverb says, “Fall seven times, stand up eight.” Teach this to your children by doing it yourself. Your children are watching.
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We get hooked on what we take in

11/17/2011

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Last week I mentioned that I need to do a better job of helping my oldest daughter handle her frustrations.  The best way to do this is to first handle my own emotions better.  You see, there are negative traits that we experience from our parents that we carry through our lives and often repeat as adults.  Freud calls this the repetitive trait.  We get bonded to the pain we feel as children and look for that same pain as adults because it is familiar to us and we know how to handle it.  So if your mother or father yelled a lot when you were a child, it is likely that you ended up with a spouse that also yells a lot or, maybe, you yell at your children a lot.

In order to break this cycle, it will take gaining control over your emotions. That is something that is so much easier said than done.  Believe me, I have spent years on this and I am still a work in progress.  No one is perfect and we all could use help in this area.  The good news is that it is not about being 100% perfect but getting 1% better with each day.  So then how do we get 1% better each day?  I am going to break this into an easy three step process:

1.       Recognize the problem
2.       Make a plan
3.       Take action

Yes, I know that this sounds generic and much like how an engineer might solve it but that is my background so bear with me.

Recognizing the problem takes paying attention to your emotions.  For instance, if you tend to fight a lot with your ex because they give you parenting tips, the next time they do, I want you to stop before responding to them and just gage how you are feeling.  By observing your emotions, you will become more aware of them.  Once aware, you will be better able to create a plan on how to control them.  As you are observing your emotions there are some particular things to take note of.  First is the intensity of your emotion.  Does a certain topic or interaction with a specific person create more intense feelings in you than another?  Next, listen to your thoughts.  What kind of internal dialog do you have with yourself when you feel this way?  By understanding your internal dialog you will start to recognize common triggers (both positive and negative) that kickoff your dialog.  Often times these triggers come from your own dreams, fears, and issues.  Your ex may not be criticizing you as much as they are trying to help you.  But your fear of being judged or your fear of doing something wrong may be the real reason for your anger rather than what they actually said.  Last but not least, pay attention to how long you stay angry.  Does it take an hour or two to get over the comments your ex said or do you hang on to that anger even longer (days or weeks)?

Now that you have a better understanding of the internal dialog you have with yourself, you can start to change it for a more positive outcome.  Decide how you will either change the internal dialog with yourself or the reaction you have to the emotions.  Using the example above, you may decide to simply change your reaction.  Rather than make a snide comment about your ex’s parenting skills, you can respond with, “I will consider that and let you know if I decide to use it or not.”  For the most lasting and positive results, changing the emotion you feel in the situation is the best thing to do.  In order to do this,  it may require you to take some parenting classes to find out how successful parents manage their children’s behavior.  If you know you are doing your best and you feel your best is enough, then gaining more self-esteem may be all that you need to be able to disregard what they said so that you no longer need validation from them that you are doing a great job.

Self-esteem is something that you can only create for yourself.  If self-esteem is what you are lacking, then try this exercise that I found works for me.  I use it quite often just before I do a public speaking engagement.  Think about your experiences in life and remember a time when you felt empowered, confident, and in control.  Think about the smells in the room, the clothes you were wearing, the lighting of the room, and the emotions you were feeling.  As you think about this experience, take a deep breath and slowly release it.  When you are alone, do this exercise often.  Then slowly take the exercise out into public and envision yourself in that moment while remembering to breath.  Before you know it you will begin to feel this way when you slow down your breathing and take deep, purposeful breaths.  Then all you will need to do to feel empowered and self-confident is breath.

If that doesn’t work, then listen to Jewel’s Stronger Women song over and over until you can sing it to yourself without it playing.  It has been very empowering for me.  My favorite line is, “From now on I am going to be the kind of women I want my daughter to be.”

Once you have control over your emotions, you will be better suited to help your children learn to control their emotions which will help them in all aspects of their life (friends, school, work, marriage, and yes, even parenting).

I hope you enjoyed reading this week.  Until next time, good luck and God bless.
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    Michelle Rasmussen

    A single mother herself, has learned how to successfully raise strong, self reliant children that are sure to be assets to society.

    View my profile on LinkedIn

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