Today I come to you from Chicago as I sit at my graduation for my master's degree in business. One thing that struck me is how few people actually get where I am. Only 30% of Americans graduate college. 50% of bachelor degree students drop out and 30% of master degree students drop out. The most amazing thing to me is that only nine percent of Americans complete their master's degree. Even fewer are single mothers.
That is why in the graduate staging area I took a minute to gather a few of the single mothers in the crowd and took their picture. These women are in the top 10% of Americans. These women are living proof that you can do anything you put your mind to. In fact, that is the message of the key note speaker, Jack Canfield. No matter how many people tell you that you can not do something or tell you your dreams are stupid, do it anyway. Only you know what your dreams are. Just follow them because they know the way.
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This morning I woke everyone up military style with singing, banging and all kinds of ruckus. to my surprise our new family member did not budge even after five minutes of banging a wooden spoon on a pan next to his ear. He finally stirred when I mentioned that anyone still in bed in five minutes would be bathing in their beds.
Once up I quickly let him know that he would need to clean up dog poo in the backyard. It took him two hours but he finally finished the job. I'm afraid that breakfast was not worth the hard work he put in since it was just cereal but he didn't complain. Then when he started asking about snacks I let him know the kitchen had to be swept and mopped. To his misfortune my mop was not working so he had to use a small sponge and scrub on his hands and knees. He did it gladly when he found out snack was strawberries. Come lunch time he earned a chicken salad sandwich by cleaning windows and my glass tables. Too bad he said he didn't like chicken. He was not too happy when I said, "if you don't like what's for lunch, lunch is over." When his mom showed up at noon he was extremely happy to see her but said he still wanted to live with me. So he stayed and I let him pick up toys for the right to watch TV for 30 minutes. Unfortunately TV did not keep him happy for long and while I was in my office working I heard the front door open and close. He decided it was time to go find his friends to play. So I had to stop what I was doing and go on a treasure hunt for our little friend. Luckily his mother knew just where to look and after stopping at two houses I found him. I asked him if he would like to talk to me privately or if it was ok if I embarassed him in front of his friends. He didn't budge so the count down started. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.... Then came the explanation of the rules in my house. He thought it was pretty odd that he had to ask permission to go play and that I had to know exactly where he was at all times. Odd that is until his little friend chimed in and said he has the same rules at his house. With this announcement I saw the light bulb go on and he knew he was in trouble. That is when I informed him he could not live with me if he could not follow my rules and we marched home to his his where his mother was waiting with open arms. Mom came at noon but he refused to leave. I have to share with you an experiment I am trying tonight. Earlier today my neighbor posted on her Facebook page that her young son does not like her rules so he wants a new family. I had to laugh because as a child I remember saying the same thing to my mother before packing a plastic garbage bag full of clothes then dragging it down the street. Laughing from the window,my mother just watched me go... leaving a trail of clothes behind me. This made it easy for her to find me when she had calmed down enough that she would not laugh in my face.
After calming my own laughter, I made an offer to my neighbor that I would take him in. The contingency was that he would have to earn his keep by doing all the yummy chores in my house that no one else wants. She took me up on the offer. At about 8:30 she showed up at my house with her son. To his surprise I had dirty toilets waiting for him to earn a bed to sleep in. After he gladly cleaned the toilets, I made him read a book to me. When I asked him to go potty before getting in bed he refused. With a sweet smile I let him know he had two choices. He could go potty before climbing in bed or he could sleep in the tub. Then I left the room to go tuck my girls in bed while he thought about it for a minute. When I returned he let me know he decided to go potty. He is now fast asleep in his bed. We'll see how long he lasts tomorrow when I wake everyone up military style and do chores to earn their breakfast. I'll let you know how it goes. Each time I give my children exactly what they want I question myself. I wonder if giving them too much of the things they ask for will ruin them in the long run. I even question some of the things I give them that they don't ask for. In fact, I question these things the most. I think it is a natural tendency for single parents to give more material gifts to our children. It is almost like we rationalize that it is ok to give them gifts because it will make up for the time we have less of to spend with them. Let's face it, a single parent gets to do the work of two adults in the house (fix the sink, mow the yard, do the cooking, dishes, laundry, ect.) That means that we have either less time to spend with our children or we get less sleep because we stay up late after the kids have gone to bed to finish the dishes or laundry or whatever other household chore our spouse used to take care of. Of course, we can choose to just not get everything done but then we end up lowering our standard of living. So what is the answere? I admit that I am guilty of all of the above. I have at times just let the house go and become a disaster area in order to give my children what they really need, my time. I have also bought them more toys than they need at an attempt to keep them from being board while I did chores. One thing that has become very clear to me is that it is not about balance. It is about catching each ball before it hits the ground. Sometimes I feel like the plate spinner at a circus. I run so fast between plates trying to keep them spinning that I don't notice the two most important plates (my girls) are close to falling. So rather than try to do it all myself, I have learned how to ask friends and family for help. Not that I ever asked them to clean my house. I just learned to ask them to take my girls while I took care of the family chores.
Now that my children are old enough, I have started making them responsible for certain chores. Yet if they don't get their chores done I have learned the best response is not to get mad but simply say, "That's a bummer you didn't get the dishes done. That just means we'll have less time together at (the fun activity) we had planned because now I have to take extra time to do your share of the family chores.". This is a tactic I learned from Love & Logic. I never really knew how powerful it was until one night we had planned on playing games the evening before I had to go on a business trip. We were just sitting down to play when our dog jumped up on the couch and peed. (I swear kids & animals always act out when they know your leaving) My 9 year old immediately started crying. I tried consoling her by letting her know we could clean it up with our carpet shampooer until she told me why she was really crying. You see, she didn't care that the house might stink like pee or that we couldn't sit on the wet couch, she just knew that it meant I would be spending less time playing with them in order to clean it up. So if you are doing all the chores because you don't want your children to have to worry about it... or it is too much of a fight and you would rather spend your time with your children just having fun... I want you to think long and hard about what your children need more. Time with their friends...TV... iPod...... Or time with you? The fastest way to get them moving and willing to help is ask them what fun activity they want to do today. Give them some of their favorite choices. Then show them the list of chores you usually take care of yourself and let them know you will be ready to go just as soon as your list is completely done. Then get to work without asking them to do anything. The first time they ask you if you can go yet just say, "I wish but my chores aren't done yet. I bet if you help me get this part of the list done we could go sooner.". You'll be surprised just how quickly they are able to get stuff done even at a young age. Of course make sure you create your list by grouping age appropriate task together. Then you can rip the list and hand off the right chores to each child. They will feel proud for being able to help... you'll feel appreciated... and everyone will feel happy when you get to leave sooner for your fun activity as a family. Mother's Day for single parents seems to take on a different meaning. I remember my first Mother's Day as a single parent was quite a disappointment. Since my children were only 1 and 3, they didn't know to do anything to celebrate or thank me for being their mother. So it ended up just being like any other day with little recognition for all that I do for them. But times have changed and we have all grown up a lot, especially me.
I finally realize that Mother's Day is not about the presents they give me but their presence on this earth. Without my children, my life would be empty. They bring me so much joy, laughter, and even some trials but I wouldn't want it any other way. They give me purpose and a reason to keep living life to its fullest. Six years ago I would have been disappointed with toast and yogurt for breakfast in bed on Mother's Day. But today when my 7 year old brought me toast and yogurt in bed, the joy and pride I felt inside were over-whelming. When they each gave me the hand-made flowers they put so much heart into, it brought tears to my eyes. Yes, being a single parent on Mother's Day takes on a different meaning. You don't have a spouse there to tell you you're doing a great job as a parent but you do have your children there showing you how you are doing. There is no mistaking that you are doing good if their making you breakfast in bed or giving you a special gift they picked out or made theselves brings a bigger smile to their face than it does to yours. I hope your Mother's Day was just as special as mine was. Happy Mother's Day! In the past week I have had the opportunity to sit with two friends of mine who have recently become single parents. Each of them asked me the same question,“Michelle should I stay where I am or should I move closer to
family?” Of course, my answer to them was that they should do what they feel is best for them and their children. As I look back on those conversations, I think what they were really trying to ask was, “Do you think I can make it on my own without family close by to help me with my children?” Since both of my friends are asking the same question, I would have to guess that many of you are asking yourselves the same thing. That is why I thought I would share with you a bit more of how I have gotten where I am today. When I became a single parent I was working part-time making quite a bit less than I am making now (over half my current salary). Can you guess that times were tough? I had a four month old and a three year old that I had to do everything in my power to keep safe. That meant fighting with everything I had (and a lot that I did not) to pay attorney fees, custody evaluators, councilors, and professional supervisors during my children’s visits with their father. All this on top of regular expenses that I was used to sharing with my husband like work related childcare, groceries, housing, utilities, etc. The first two years I went without much help at all from my ex monetarily. In fact, it took over two years to finally get a child support order in place so that I could have ORS garnish his wages. Luckily for me, I was able to go to work full time for my current employer about six months after leaving my husband but the legal fees just kept getting worse and I dug myself pretty far into debt. So between the money troubles, legal drama associate with a divorce, emotional trauma of losing half the people you love (my ex’s family disowned me for leaving), and now having to do all the parenting on my own, there were days that I was not sure if I would be able to make it on my own. This is perfectly normal. Big changes in life almost always leave you wondering. It is definitely helpful to have family close to help as needed but I am living proof that it is not necessary since my mother was 2 and a half hours away the first three years of my becoming single. Many days I made through out of sheer will but I would have to say that my saving grace was my neighbors. I strongly believe that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at any moment in time. I know that I owe my neighbors a HUGE thanks for keeping me going and for keeping me sane. The neighborhood that I moved into was mostly townhomes so my neighbors were in close proximity to me. This helped bring us together since we could not walk out the front door without running into someone. I had one neighbor that was quick to bring over cookies to welcome us to the neighborhood and her daughter and my oldest daughter quickly became best friends. She was sweet enough to notice when I needed a break and invited my daughter over to play often. Then directly across from me was another single mother with children very close in age to my children so we became friends quickly through our children. She too could tell when I needed a break and would gladly sit outside and watch the kids play as I got a few things done inside the house. Another friend, who helped me start Village of Life, was a single mother who had her daughter in the same after school program that I had my children in so she and I took turns picking up the kids if we knew the other parent was going to be late. We also took turns cooking dinner to give each other a chance to relax. Through all of this, each of my neighbors gave me the adult interaction that a parent absolutely needs to stay sane. I was able to talk to them about parenting challenges that I was going through and work/life balance issues that I had to overcome. The question remains, do you need to be close to family to be able to make it on your own? I don’t think so. But I do strongly recommend that you get to know your neighbors better or keep some good friends close that you can trust to help you. This takes humbling yourself enough to ask for help (I still struggle with this one) as well as being caring enough to be able to help someone else. We were all sent to this earth to help each other. Whether you are single or married, you were not meant to do this alone. “It takes a village to raise a child.” Be bold and band together with other parents in order to make life easier on yourself, your children, and someone else who is walking the same path you are. If you need help finding another single parent to work with, go to the Contact Us page within this site and type in your information. We only collect the most basic information here to protect your identity and privacy. As I receive information from other single parents, I can start to match up parents to help you build that bond to build a better life for you and your children. Until then, keep your chin up and remember the words to this song every time you start to question if you can make it or not. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXL65Nd_O1o Your angles are waiting for you to ask for help so don’t be shy. In life, crazy things happen. Sometimes they are happy crazy things, sometimes they are sad. Sometimes they make you jump for joy, sometimes they make you mad. One thing that I have learned is that my reaction to the things that happen to me makes all the difference in the world. I will use Monday night as an example. As I was cooking dinner, I opened the microwave to soften some butter and the whole wall of cabinets toppled over onto
the floor, microwave and all. There are a few ways that I could have reacted to this. One is getting so angry that I could have been cussing up a storm and on the phone with lawyers right away wanting restitution for the damages. After all, my kitchen was a big reason that I bought my home. Another way I could have reacted is taking the victim role and playing the poor me card. So how did I react? First I yelled because it scared the pajeebers out of me. Then, once I realized what had happened, I got down on my knees and thanked the Lord that my children were outside playing and did not get hurt. Lastly, I felt the need to share my shock with friends so I took pictures and posted them on Facebook and called my father to see if he could help me fix it. Later when I took my girls out to dinner since dinner was ruined by chunks of drywall falling in it I received the best complement I could have ever received. My oldest daughter said to me, “Mom, you don’t seem very upset about the cabinets falling because you have stayed so calm.” All that I could think to say to that is, “No one got hurt so what is there to be upset about.” As I was saying it and after I had some time to think about that conversation I realized that a few years ago, I may not have been so calm. In fact, I would have probably gotten very angry. One thing that I have noticed about myself is that my anger is a secondary emotion. When I get angry it is usually covering up another emotion that I do not want to show anyone else. In a situation like the cabinets, my anger would have come from the fear of not being able to pay for the damages. Luckily my father kindly reminded me that something like this should be covered in my home owner’s insurance, which it is. In other situations, my anger comes from fear of one of my children getting hurt, or from feeling disrespected. In fact, those two emotions alone, fear and the feeling of being disrespected, are where I would say that 95% of my anger comes from. I haven’t quite figured out where the other 5% comes from but I am still learning about myself every day. So how do you think you would have reacted? Would you have taken the victim role and become paralyzed to do anything? Would you have become an anger ball and alienated everyone around you? Or would you have gotten down on your knees and thanked the Lord (or whoever you pray to) for your families safety? I know this sounds fake and absolutely ridiculous but I am thankful that this happened this week. After all, I just finished all my school work last week. Had it happened any earlier I would have been much more stressed about when I would be able to find time to take care of the situation. I am also in my spring cleaning mode, so what better way to clean out my cabinets then have all the stuff fall out of them for me? LOL. I know life can be stressful but my hope for you is that you can find the things to be thankful for so that you can take on a better perspective and show your children how to make the best of any situation. Until next time, God Bless! I know that it has been forever since I have wrote in here. As mentioned back in January, this is the busiest time of year for me at work and I am very near to completing my MBA so between the two of those things, I have not had enough time to write in here (something had to give in order for me to breath). Luckily I have less than a week left of school after which I should have plenty of time to get back into this. However, this morning I woke up with a burning need to write in here so I hope I am able to get everything out in a comprehensive post even though it is a bit rushed so that I can get to work.
Last night I was in a bit of a funk because I was letting life get me down. But I was fortunate enough to have a conversation with a friend who gently let me know that I need to let go of some of my baggage from past relationships. More specifically my marriage but I know that I harbor baggage from other relationships as well. We all have baggage and that baggage can be very damaging to our relationships. I am not just talking about romantic relationships. Too much baggage can also damage friendships, relationships with parents or siblings, and even your relationship with your children. It really is not fair to the people around you when you allow the actions of one person to create the reaction you chose with everyone else. I remember a conversation that I had with my step dad the day before he died. I was expressing my frustration to him about the way my mother had been treating him during his last few weeks. And rather than jump on the band wagon or allow me to vent he stopped me and explained something to me about my mother that I had never realized before. He explained to me the baggage that she was carrying around caused her to fear a lot of things and when she lashed out on people it was her fear shining through. You see, he knew my mother better than I ever hoped to know her and he loved her in spite of the baggage she carried that caused her to treat my step dad poorly. We are not all lucky enough to find someone as patient and understanding as my step dad so it is up to us to let go of our baggage in order to preserve all our other relationships in our lives. I will be the first to admit that letting go of past hurts is not easy. But we have to do it anyway. Smiling through the pain is not easy, do it anyway. Learning to laugh again is not easy, do it anyway. Your children deserve the best you that you can be. This short excerpt from the Simple Truths book "One Choice" says it all. One... One tree can start a forest, One smile can begin a friendship, One hand can lift a soul, One word can frame the goal, One candle can wipe out darkness, One laugh can conquer gloom, One hope can raise our spirits, And...one choice can change your life. Only you can chose to let go of your baggage and start living the life you deserve. I want to hear from you. How have you learned to let go of your baggage in order to preserve all your other relationships? One of the biggest reasons that I started this blog was to encourage others to have the courage they need to get out of an abusive relationship and live the life they are meant to live in a happy and safe environment. I love this simple truths movie about courage and hope you will too. Just click the link below to watch it.
http://www.movieofcourage.com/?cm_mmc=CheetahMail-_-WK-_-03.04.12-_-CDARdevo&utm_source=CheetahMail&utm_medium=03.04.12&utm_campaign=CDARdevoca One of the hardest things about being a single parent is that you are the only source of income for your family. If you don't make enough or if you lose your job, you don't have a spouse to turn to to pick up the slack. That is why I am so excited to announce the completely FREE Single Mothers Seminar taking place on March 15th. It will run from 5:00 pm to 8:30 pm at 3750 Market Center Drive in Riverton. Even if you are happily employed, take advantage of this great networking event to meet other single mothers just like you. |
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